Hum… how would you define having everything you want or everything you need to be happy? Some people could think of me as having everything to be happy. Yet I am not…

For some reason I seem to always put myself in trouble and as my psychotherapist would say, not choose the easy path. What can I say, I am an idealist. I have ideas, visions, values and I would die for them. Am I trying to victimize myself… ? I don't think so.

3 years ago I went through some hard stuff, partners' betrayal and somehow met someone who helped me get through this. Butthis also turned out to be somewhat of an unhealthy relationship. Someone who can't express his feelings or take decisions.Now trying to get out of this vicious circle, I feel like I am spiraling down. Just when I met someone of interest, turns out to be hyper-religious. Right when we stop seeing each other, I got pregnant. Abortion, which I never though would be so hard on me emotionally. But at 34, it is tough. I am at that age where I want a kid, only not like that, not stolen. Since then, I AM an emotional mess. Trying to meet someone to be in a healthy relationship (and make a family because somehow along the way it became an obsession, but how can one start a healthy relationship with that 'weight'), a lot of disappointments, so I keep coming back to him (I truly love him, even whenmany things are wrong, so many are right). I think geographical distance and all it involves to be reunited has made it worse…

I mean, I am somewhat smart, attractive to some, healthy and happy. But I don't recognize myself anymore. I am bitter, stressed, unhappy, miserable actually. And I can't seem to meet anyone. When someone is interested, I am not; and when I am, they are afraid of commitment or some bullcrap. Ok, I am a bit like a bull, very obvious, but don't people know what they want at some point?

I also accepted this new job, the transition was brutal and now all the reasons why I accepted it are falling short. I am not where I want to be. I am thinking of resigning. Only way out I see is to run to the Ebola outbreak. I feel like this is what I need to give this life a meaning. Yes, becausethere at least I wouldfeel useful…

Have you ever seen this joke of: I took the road less traveled and now I don't know the fuck where I am.It is a good job, I would get a long pregnancy leave and good advantages. It is only a contract but a foot in. But what's the point when I feel miserable… ? All the money in the world won't help then. But I am afraid of manking a bad name. But deep down my decision is taken, now I just need to gather the courage to do it… unless anyone has another suggestion?