Hum… how would you define having everything you want or everything you need to be happy? Some people could think of me as having everything to be happy. Yet I am not…

For some reason I seem to always put myself in trouble and as my psychotherapist would say, not choose the easy path. What can I say, I am an idealist. I have ideas, visions, values and I would die for them. Am I trying to victimize myself… ? I don't think so.

3 years ago I went through some hard stuff, partners' betrayal and somehow met someone who helped me get through this. Butthis also turned out to be somewhat of an unhealthy relationship. Someone who can't express his feelings or take decisions.Now trying to get out of this vicious circle, I feel like I am spiraling down. Just when I met someone of interest, turns out to be hyper-religious. Right when we stop seeing each other, I got pregnant. Abortion, which I never though would be so hard on me emotionally. But at 34, it is tough. I am at that age where I want a kid, only not like that, not stolen. Since then, I AM an emotional mess. Trying to meet someone to be in a healthy relationship (and make a family because somehow along the way it became an obsession, but how can one start a healthy relationship with that 'weight'), a lot of disappointments, so I keep coming back to him (I truly love him, even whenmany things are wrong, so many are right). I think geographical distance and all it involves to be reunited has made it worse…

I mean, I am somewhat smart, attractive to some, healthy and happy. But I don't recognize myself anymore. I am bitter, stressed, unhappy, miserable actually. And I can't seem to meet anyone. When someone is interested, I am not; and when I am, they are afraid of commitment or some bullcrap. Ok, I am a bit like a bull, very obvious, but don't people know what they want at some point?

I also accepted this new job, the transition was brutal and now all the reasons why I accepted it are falling short. I am not where I want to be. I am thinking of resigning. Only way out I see is to run to the Ebola outbreak. I feel like this is what I need to give this life a meaning. Yes, becausethere at least I wouldfeel useful…

Have you ever seen this joke of: I took the road less traveled and now I don't know the fuck where I am.It is a good job, I would get a long pregnancy leave and good advantages. It is only a contract but a foot in. But what's the point when I feel miserable… ? All the money in the world won't help then. But I am afraid of manking a bad name. But deep down my decision is taken, now I just need to gather the courage to do it… unless anyone has another suggestion?

1 Comment
  1. benz 7 years ago

    It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either   cry if you need to   it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again. Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you. We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come

    .live long and prosper

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