Ok I'm trying not to think too hard about this, but I can't help it.  SOMETIMES I feel like my life is cursed.  I feel like I would have been much better off if I hadn't had sex with a man.  I want to be in the music biz and it's hard because I'm dealing with sooooooooo much, health-wise, and I feel like my dreams are being suffocated by my reality.  Meeting with people and feeling like I "look sick", or worrying about rashes, or my breath, or thrush, or my bells palsey acting up, or various other things, constantly stays on my mind and effects how I feel about myself.  I'm male, so certain blemishes can't be covered up with make up.  Now I may be going overboard, but this is how I feel.  I don't look like I'm dying, but that might be part of the problem.  Girls always want to "holla" at me, not knowing what's going on with my health.  (Dudes too)  I'm just self concious about how I look and how I'm perceived.  Afterall the music biz is ALL about perceptions.  Are there any famous people in the music biz, besides Majic Johnson, that are hiv positive or have AIDS?  Will I ever make it in the biz or will my condition hold me back from success?  I feel so all alone!  I wish AIDS didn't have such a negative stima attached to it.  Ok, I messed up!  I had unprotected sex with men who maybe knew or didn't know their HIV status (I hope they didn't know instead of them knowingly affecting me), but does that mean that I can't start over with life?  I've heard so many times that God is a healer, but I feel like I'm being punished.  I try not to be depressed, but my life will never be what it used to be.  I'm so young and I feel like sometimes I might not outlive my parents.  Ok, enough of the pitty party.  I'm going to try to push through the pain and LIVE.  Love ya!

1 Comment
  1. yoatlbaby 12 years ago

    I agree.  But it's the people like me that haven't "made it" yet and risk the chance of being seen going into a infectious disease clinic.  My heart races a little when I pull up and get out of my car and walk in.  People are so judgemental and if they see you they want to be the one who "outs" you to everyone.  I guess it shouldn't matter, but I'm just expressing how I truly feel. 

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