I've been diagnosed with depression before, but always had been able to find happiness in the little things. Sure, I'd have terrible days where I did not want to get out of bed, but I forced myself to and eventually things got better. I started being a lot nicer to myself when I had depressive episodes before (I also suffer from OCD intrusive thoughts, which just makes things harder). Lately, I'm not being nice to myself though and I think its making it harder to be nice to other people.

In high school, I was a little immature and bratty with my friends. I didn't really have any problems making friends, but I would take offense to the little things. In my undergraduate career, I started to love myself so much that even if someone did say something mean about or to me, I just thought it looked bad on them, not me.

Lately I just feel very sensitive to people around me, as if something is always wrong. I went out last night with friends and took everything to heart. This guy I like was there and he was really sweet to me, but quiet at first. So automatically, I assumed that something was wrong which led me into thinking that I would be no good for him. He's the sweetest guy I've ever met and in recent times, I've been subjected to guys just asking for sexual pictures or activities while offering false pretenses about "wanting to date". That frustrates me, but its almost like I feel like I deserve that. I don't know what happened to me. I used to think I was beautiful, funny, smart, and kind. Recently, its been hard to be all of those things or at least to see myself that way. I even have negative thoughts about my friends 🙁 and that doesn't help anything.

I wake up every morning feeling either nothing or am completely burried under negative thoughts to the point I do not want to get up. I'm so afraid I'll be mean to my friends or super sensitive and I don't know where this is coming from. I was diagnosed with depression in Spring and given some medication, but when I went home for the summer, I accidentally left my medication at school. So, I went on a quick withdrawal from it (which you aren't supposed to do). I'm not back on it and I think I want to try to find a way to get better without taking medicine first. I just don't know what to do. I have ugly thoughts about myself, about my friends, about everything.

Is this depression or am I just becoming a bad person? I can't see anything in a positive way and usually I could still find something to be grateful for.


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