I had just moved from florida, back home to Texas. I had been living out there for 2 years to attend college. My life in florida had became too overwhelming for me to finish school on campus. At the time it seemed like every aspect of my life was in turmoil. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship, i failed one of my most important classes 3 times, and I was in debt with student loans which caused me denial of any future student loans. In other words i was broke, heartbroken, homesick and almost homeless.

Early november 2010 my plane landed in Texas and it seemed as though moving back home was not only the best decision I had made in a long time but the answer to all my problems. This was a second chance to get my life back on track and start fresh. Later that month I met what seemed to be the man I had always prayed for. I was attracted to every part of him-physically, mentally, and spiritually. He literally took my breath away. We both began spending alot of time together. Ironically he had just moved back home for the same reasons as I- a fresh start. We basically became best friends but it was obvious that there were more to our relationship than just friends. We both had agreed to take it slow since we were both heartbroken from recent relationships. In just a matter of weeks we were already comfortble enough to meet each other's family. Early december we shared our first kiss and I knew that I had found the one. I might had been on the down low at the time, but I had no problem showing my affection for him…exposure didnt matter anymore because i was finally happy with not only who i was as a person, but with life as a whole.

We both had been looking for jobs, and finally we were hired not only on the same day-but at the same job, working the same schedule; since I didnt have a car I always carpooled. On the way home after our first day of work, he told me that his feelings for me was begining to grow, and that he was falling in love with me. The next day we was off, so went to donate plasma to make a few extra bucks. At the plasma ctr they told me that my ''folder'' was misplaced, my boyfriend was already in the back pumping plasma at the time. I was then called to a room in which the nurse told me I had an abnormal result in my blood test it was a 50/50 chance it could be HIV.

When my BF came out of the plasma ctr i was already standing near his car in the parking lot. My face held no expression because my body was in a state of shock-my soul was numb. He askd why wasnt I admitted to the donating area-I told him in a firm voice to get in the car. Once we got in the car I told him what the nurses had told me, and almost instantaneously his heart shattered as well as mines. It seemed as just when I was begining to get back on my feet and begin to smile again, I had recieved what would seem to be the worst news of my life. I often wondered how could everything go from perfect-to worst nightmare.

When we made it back to his apartment we cried until the skin around our eyes began to wrinkle and turn dark. I laid on his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat was enough to calm me down-or at least momentarily. He told me that he could'nt continue in this life style anymore. He had always been confused on his sexuality, he felt as though it was an abomination considering he grew up in a very religous family. We had unprotected sex and there was a posibility that he could be infected. The fact that we were breaking up hurted more than my status, but the fact that I could have infected him took the gold.

I waited 2 weeks before I went to a doctor for an actual HIV test. I wanted time to live in denial. Denial was the only thing that would get me out of bed most mornings even though it was all a lie. My BF and I even got out of that initial zombie like state that im sure everyone have probably went through. In the midst of this fantasy world I had created I began to notice small bumps on my thighs. They grew bigger as days passed and 2 of them became large; I later found out that they were actually abceses. This wasnt the first time I had caught an abcess, but the first I had caught a series of them. It was as if my fantasy world had desintegrated and reality took center stage. Denial was no potent because I carried the truth on my very legs. I showed him and a few days later we went to the doctor to get the 2 enlarged ones lanced. At the hospital I requested an HIV test and on January 30, 2010 I tested possitive. I was devasted and my BF was hurt to the very core of his soul. It was finally official.

Its been a month since I tested positve and my BF and I have remained friends and are closer than ever. His mother even calls me her son. They both have more supportive than anybody I have told and has made my health a priority. I recently quite smoking tobacco and began a regular excersize plan. My Bf and I to this day spends almost every day together. He has given the strength and will to fight this!

Because we're spending so much time together my feelings for him have grown to a point where its almost unbearable just knowing he's not my boyfriend anymore. I truly without a doubt love him and could even see myself marrying him in the near future. But he wants to take a different route and be straight and raise a family now. I just dont know how to get over him. How do let go of something you've searched your whole life for. Someone who still knows you inside and out and still accepts you for you. Someone who prays at church with you and who's there for you in every aspect. Someone who I've grown so attached to.

I really need sum advice…so please help me!!!!

2 Comments
  1. Survivor_28 11 years ago

    I feel for you and understand the pain you are going through. I will be with you in my prayers.

    Ask God for guidance, ask him to show you the way , to be there for you. Our God is wonderful and will never let us us down, though he has taken him away from you, on the other hand he is preparing something even more wonderful than you can imagine. Whenever he closes one door, he always opens another door for us to walk through. Just have faith and trust in the Lord.

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  2. Silvah 11 years ago

    teknique- he was recently tested but the results still havnt came back yet

    Survivor- thanx for the prayer…

     both of you have really gotten me in good spirits…thank u for your support!!!!

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