Hello everyone. So much has happened since I last logged on, so I won't be able to describe it all in much detail. My boyfriend and I are no longer together, I was hospitalized for a near-drowning accident at a theme park, I've become dangerously depressed, I was hospitalized for suicide attempt, I was cheated on by my new (no ex) boyfriend, I've become bulimic again, and I have a huge problem with cutting and other self-destructive habits, such as the use of inhalants. Lately I've been seriously considering running away. I have the means to do it, I just need the right time. I want to wait until the fog in my mind clears up because right now, I mainly feel confused. I don't know the answers to any of the questions I ask myself, nor the ones others ask of me. I'm not even sure if I want help. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist but I pretend to be okay for them so it's not like they're really doing me any good. I would much rather just be done with the world.
Let me introduce to you a close figure in my life now. My family has abandoned me, my friends are afraid of me, and I can't even stand myself. This person that I was friendly aquaintances with saw the cuts on my arms and reached out to me in an instant. He texted me that evening and proceeded to tell me that I meant the world to him and that he would quickly give his own life if that's what it took to make me happy. He, too, is depressed and anxious so I knew that he wasn't just saying these things. This is the first time in my life that I've actually felt someone understands me completely. We've fallen in love and plan to get away together when the time and money are right. He's gotten me to stop cutting (It's been four days so far. That's a lot for me) and he makes me feel slightly hopeful of the fact that I might be worth something. He's keeping me alive, really. If I have to live through this suffering, I'm glad I get to live with him.
I ask that those of you that respond do so with understanding, patience, and calmity. People tell me all the time not to let other people influence my view of myself but I'm so frail, I can't help but let it get to me. It really does hurt. I'm looking for friends or maybe just a helping hand. I need to know that I'm not alone.
Thank you for reading.