So I joined up on this tonight as I could not sleep due to fear of having acid run up my throat (it did) which then makes me feel as if I will vomit. I don’t. This all started last holidays (I am in Australia so there are 2 week blocks of holiday every 9-11 weeks of school) where I had my first ever stomach bug which resulted in me throwing up for hours. This was the first time I have thrown up in 8 years and never this aggressively. It sucked a lot. Ever since then I am obsessed with this idea of vomiting yet I have not thrown up since the incident 8 or 9 weeks ago. If it isn’t clear, I HATE VOMIT. The last time before that I threw up I became a temporary hygiene freak where I would wash my hands with layers of soap after touching anything and this actually resulted in my hand’ skin peeling off. Anyway from that, I always took little precautions to ensure that I wouldn’t be sick that day such as previously said washing my hands constantly, having daily morning poos, anything that would convince me i physically could not throw up. This worked for the next 8 years and I felt quite normal. Now, for the first few weeks of my new discovered anxiety of vomiting, it would only effect me out of home where I would have panic attacks 100% convinced the worse was to come as I envisioned myself in my head throwing up in embarrassing situations even though I never did. This effected school badly as I ended up spending the first week of school at home ‘sick’ still unsure what I was going through. Unfortunately, eventually this fear came right to my door step. Literally. The fear went from throwing up in bad situations to throwing up in general. This anxiety had taken over my sanctuary. If I have not mentioned it yet, this fear of being sick makes me feel nauseous almost every hour of every day because anxiety tells my body to prepare to be sick… Which is lying to my body. Back to school, we made a compromise as my school has what they call a ‘wellbeing centre’ which is basically a building for kids like me to take a break or for more learning deficient students to get guided help. Anyway this place is where I have spent most of my recent school life in as I rarely attend classes. At first it was amazing as I could spend the whole day in there with no one caring including mr. Anxiety so I essentially felt normal. However eventually anxiety barged down the door into my newly found safe space. This is probably because the teachers in there would constantly try to get me to go to classes when I simply couldn’t do it. It is situations like these where I feel I am letting people down as it is in there best intentions to get me back to normal etc. Taking a step back from mental health, my family (who have been very supportive) and I have dived into possible medical problems that could be causing this but 1 week the story is anxiety the next is a physical problem. Cycle repeats. This cycle makes me lose hope I will ever be able to be normal again. Personally I hope it is a physical problem as then there will be a suitable solution and treatment to accompany it. Medical problems we have looked at are just things like weak stomach valves after such aggressive activity, gut bacteria etc. Im currently on antibiotics which help with my stomach and admittedly they seem to help a bit (I think…). Right now I am hopeful it is acid reflux (as awful as hoping for it sounds) as I seem to tick symptoms as I can’t sleep right now due to acid creeping up my throat. But I know even if it is a medical problem, anxiety has done it’s damage and will continue to do so. Anxiety has prevented me from playing video games, going to school, and even waiting in waiting rooms. When I do find myself playing games it does help me a lot as it completely takes my mind off of it. Over the past 8-9 weeks I have lost around 10 kilos from either diet changes or not eating as much as I should in fear of triggering something. Im sorry if this seems all over the place but I just needed to get it all out (no pun intended) and find some way to vent. Hopefully here I find new friends who can help me as I can help them.

1 Comment
  1. sullengirl76 2 years ago

    The blog posts here can be anything the user wants. Never be ashamed for one that is “all over the place.” I, myself, tend to write mini-novels. 🙂

    Something to remember is that thoughts are not always linear and feelings don’t have to make sense. If writing a stream-of-consciousness post helps you get through a sleepless night – without turning to drugs, booze or other self-destructive behaviors – then don’t feel ashamed of doing so.

    Besides, we’re not a publishing house here. We’re all just trying to battle our illness(es) and live our lives, one day at a time. Welcome to the Tribe! 🙂

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