Felt like I should start writing down how I feel everyday because things are getting really hard for me in a different way . Things were already really hard a couple years ago but the difference between then and now is I'm actually stable enough to function again , which means I have to face normal problems like getting out of my parents house, deciding what I want to do with my life, and not being lonely. I work graveyard shift right now and I think that is a big part of why I am so down. It's hard to function when you're up when everyone else is asleep. I'm somewhat of a loner but this is too much. I need to find a job that is during the day so I can actually be happy and save money. I also want to get back into drawing and reading again. There are so many things that I am passionate about but it seems like its too much trying to juggle that while working at a gas station and trying to maintain a somewhat of a long distance relationship. The last year went by so fast that I barely noticed any time go by. Everyday its the same thing….over and over and over again. The only person I hang out with now is my boyfriend and half the time I'm too tired to even want to do anything remotely cool. Seems like we always end up drinking because I always find that easier then trying to battle the moods I go through when I change my sleep around to fit other peoples schedules. IDK its just depressing to know that I'm still in this house….I'm happy to have a place to stay but I feel ashamed that I haven't saved any money nor paid off really any of the 5, 000 that I owe in medical bills for staying in the hospital when I was suicidal. Makes me suicidal all over again. Seems like very rarely a day goes by when I don't imagine a gun going off in the side of my head or some other form of suicide. I' d never do it cause I'm too much of a coward but still it sucks nonetheless. I've been starting to have panic attacks lately too. Before I barely had them and now I get them quite a bit. They are the worst feeling ever. The feeling that you are loosing it or that you're going to die in a matter of seconds……I don't know. I'm just so tired of my life, I'm not religious, and I don't find a whole lot that is great about being a human in this three dimensional space. It just a f@cking struggle to the end. Wish someone would just shoot me and get it over with.