I had an insightful talk yesterday with the tech guy from work~ he's very friendly, personable, an all around good man. I feel comfortable with him. When he found out I was gay, after I accepted him as a friend via Facebook, he approached me and said he had never suspected me being gay which honestly surprised me….I always thought I had that 'gay vibe'. A couple of months ago, I told him about me being HIV positive. We had a good discussion about that and I'm glad to say, I feel we've become friends. I know a lot of straight men (don't they say there's one in every family? I actually have a cousin who's straight.) but the straight men I know are not as accepting with homosexuality as the Tech guy is. They have more of a 'machismo' attitude and this guy isn't like that. He's a more laid back…pretty much doesn't care about anyones' sexual orientation nor health status kinda guy. You are who are and that's that….I even told him once he must've been a gay man in his past life because he's way too sensitive for a straight man. He got a good laugh out of that.
Yesterday, as we were talking about our usual nothings, he asked me if I had ever been in love. That question confused me but I said I had, many, many years ago. He then asked if I thought I would ever fall in love again. I gave him one of those confused dog looks and asked him where this was coming from. He said he had noticed I never mention anything about going outand meeting anyone. I gave him a concerned look and said, "You noticed that? Dude, you really were gay in your past life!" After we both laughed, he said he just wanted me to be happy. Isaid, "What makes you think I'm not?" I continued to tell him I did not need to be with someone to be happy then I repeated his question, "Do I think I will ever fall in love again? Personally, no. Realistically, who knows. But I'm not an unhappy person. Happiness comes from within. Being at peace with myself makes me happy and this is something that's taken me a long time to figure out."
He said, "Cool." Yep, a 'straight' answer.
Funny thing is, I didn't realize that was how I felt until after I said it. Although, I feel I need to go further into my journey for self happiness. I still feel I'm not letting myself completely go. I'm still hesitant about taking that risk but I feel much better and more at peace than I have in years! Even if I am knocking down that wall around me at a snails pace….I'm letting go of years of resentment, sadness and hard feelings I've kept with me for soo long.
Maybe, just maybe, in the near future, I may not be so quick to say no when asked if I think I may ever fall in love again….one never knows.