I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm going crazy (whatever that means, aren't we all?) I don't know if anything I feel is real. (Hormones, exaggeration, over thinking) Sometimes I feel like I'm hovering above a dark lake and if I let my thoughts take me I'll fall in and I don't know I don't know…After I say or type something I second guess it and think its stupid or pretentious or something. I let people walk all over me. Everytime I make a decision not to take shit anymore I find myself buried in it.
What I really want more than anything is someone I can talk to who will be just straight up and honest with me. Not like "friends" who side with you while your life goes to shit and they're patting you on the back while you make all the wrong decisions. I know its not their fault I just need some perspective. All I have is my own thoughts and I really don't like myself. My thoughts are so scattered. I'm pushing people away left and right. The only friends I had I let them slip away even though they're still there trying I'm just drifting off to sea. I feel like I care too much and I try and stop so I don't get so hurt and angry about everything that happens around me. It's hard. I don't know why I get so attached to stupid things. Why I let things effect me so deeply.
What I really want more than that more than anything else is to just have a life like a movie or a tv show. Even when they have problems and get depressed at least they have their quirky friends and random shit…They have those incredible soul mates and they always seem to pull through in the end. I"m having real issues with that right now. Especially difficult working at a movie theater. I just feel so down, so desperate in despair. My life will never be like that, I'll never have a guy like that, I'll never be that pretty, smart or successful. I know bad self talk blah blah blah. I can't help and I have no strength to stop it.
I really feel like I'd be better off dying. Everything I want I can't imagine MYSELF having. Like I try and fantasize about having a guy like Ryan Gosling and I can't because I know me so well and I can't imagine anyone wanting me besides my boyfriend and I keep finding ways to fuck that up too. I don't even know if I just brainwashed myself enough that I didn't realize I was settling for fear of having to start over and actually be single and date. Esp. given the painful shyness and social anxiety I experience. But I'm getting restless. Everyday it gets worse but ugh…I don't knwo what to do..I hate who I am. I"m jealous of everyone I thrive off the pathetic people I surround myself with because at least I"m better than them somehow. I always become friends with weak minded people so my views are never challenged and often accepted. I am the leader of my friendship groups and if they branch off and have other groups of friends I retreat into myself. I can't share. I'm a control freak and I can't even keep my room clean. Even before my bestfriend died I was overly possessive of people and i have no idea where it came from. I'm only 21 but I feel like I'm stuck.
I hate feelings they're tearing me apart. I'm either enraged, sad, depressed, or all three. I am rarely ever happy and I blame myself. Who else can i blame. Its my life. I dunno I just really wish I had someone to talk to. I'm always absorbing everyone elses problems but I never tell anyone mine. I don't talk about my dead friend unless i'm joking about how "oh even my dead best friend is less hassle than my living ones" …Yeah I cope through bad jokes. When I'm angry I laugh after each sentence…I'm lame. I don't know. I actually thought I was getting better for awhile there but I just didn't feel the falling sensation until I'd already hit bottom…yay drugs? I should stop but its the only thing that distracts me from all the anger pain and just fed upness ….jfoeahianea