So, this week is Spring Fling week at the college, and Monday and Tuesday the anime club had events and stuff going on. Both days we had a movie showing and a sort of papercrafting workshop that I was in charge of.

It was nice. With the papercrafting stuff, I wasn't anxious at all. We just had a table set up in the lounge, with all the templates, scissors, glue and everything. There were always some others from the club hanging around, so I was never sitting alone. And I had no problem explaining the stuff, answering questions and whatnot. The first day it was mostly anime club and video game club members. The second day it was more popular, and we had a lot of people coming over and if they didn't make anything they'd still ask questions and where they could find templates and everything. I was really happy with how the whole thing went.

But when it comes to making friends and getting closer to the people I'm meeting, I don't really know what to think. I'm so, so happy whenever I feel that I'm actually making friends with someone, but I still feel so disconnected from everyone.

My therapist has asked me before, aren't I lonely spending all my time at home alone. And I never do at all. The only time I feel lonely is when I'm around other people. And it's a very, very painful feeling. Sometimes I feel like quitting the club and everything because I hate subjecting myself to these feelings week after week.

On Tuesday after cleaning up the papercrafting station me and two others from the club started up a game of Trivial Pursuit (for spring fling they had a big display of toys and games from across the decades that people could play with) and then afterwards we walked around campus together waiting for the movie stuff to start. It's so great being in a group and actually being a part of it. It was just the three of us hanging out and I could've easily fell into my place as a third wheel, but it wasn't like that at all. And I thought, this is what I want, I want to be with people and be happy and feel that people like me and are glad to have me around.

Both movie showings it ended up just being us anime club members there watching. Tuesday we had Speed Racer for 80s day and more people showed up but didn't stay long. Speed Racer (with everyone's commentary) was hilarious. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much.

But after the movie we were just hanging around and that's when my mood completely turned. When people are joking around together and just laughing and enjoying one another's company, and I don't know what to do. I'm not part of it, I'm on the sidelines, feeling disconnected, knowing that no one would care or even notice if I wasn't there. Why does no one say anything to me, or even look my way? People who have been here much less longer than I have are already an integral part of the group, and I'm still insignificant. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why people don't like me.

That's all for now. I have lots of things I need to think about.