I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I have to talk to my Spanish teacher about an assignment she didn’t get on Canvas because it didn’t load. And of course it’s going to have to be Spanish so I’ll have to stumble over myself even more than usually when just existing. And bureaucracy, so I have to fill out more forms by the 22nd to get into the college I want. I hope it’s worth it. Honestly my life just isn’t that great to begin with so I’m hoping for some amorphous future in which I feel better than I do now. Maybe if I get into the college I want I’ll get nice friends and nice things.. Nice things are nice, I’m glad I have that. Little things stop me from killing myself. Like the bookmark I use, the books I have, or the blankets I use, these things feel… Comfortable. And I guess I’d rather have them than not if I’m going to be reborn into some even worse life. I figure if this whole rebirth thing and karma is true then I’ll have been a pretty bad person already for dealing with being in agony every time I wake up; and so I’ll be born into a family with two addicts for parents the next time around if there is another one (especially with the suicide being my cause of death and all). I also kind of feel like my friends hate me. I think people hate me a lot because I hate myself. I’m not sure what to do about that.. I try my best to not I guess. I hate myself a lot of the time because I’m depressed and ruin my chances of having friends by talking to people when I’m depressed. So I try to avoid doing this, but that just make me feel even more sad. But I know I’ll be even more sad if I don’t have any friends because they all hate me for being depressed all the time and leave me. Oh well I guess…. I hope I get over myself and find the strength to text my friends despite the fact that I think they’ll despise me for doing so. If they do it’s better to find out sooner than later.. But then I think to myself what if I keep it to a minimum maybe then we could still be friends.. Or what if they could just be the type of friend you talk to, but don’t really depend on.. But what if that’s the kind of friend you can’t have because you always ruin those kinds of friendships? Maybe I should just die because I always come up with these endless scenarios. I don’t know..

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