For what seems like forever, I have felt like the only one with OCD. I have felt like I was the only one with these thoughts, the only one that felt the need to count things in 3s, the only one that had many other strange ritual habits.
So many counselors and therapists would tell me, "Oh, darling, there are many of you"…But I would sit and wonder where these "many" were. I never met any of them. I knew no one who was like me. I would have friends tell me they had OCD, too. I'd ask them more about it and they would confide in me like it was some great secret that they always put their DVDs in alphabetical order, or they always cleaned the bathroom once a week and hated it when it was dirty. I'd ask them if they felt like the world would fall apart if the DVDs were out of order. Did they feel like some great catastrophe would befall them or someone else if they didn't get the bathroom clean. They'd look at me dumbfounded and state, "well, that would be silly". And then I'd look at them straight-faced and as serious as ever and say, "well, then you don't have OCD".
So, many people have known in passing that I have OCD. But so many people don't really understand what that means. Even my own mother, who I have tried to educate for years and years, told me the other day that she thought my OCD was just a habit. Stung a bit.
In the end, I have wondered this earth wondering for years who out there had OCD. Did I meet someone at the coffee shop who had it? Was there a person driving beside me that would feel the need to re-drive their route if they hit a bump? Where was everyone?
And then I came here to this website. At first I was quite hesitant to join up or be a part of the website. I had met so many people claiming they had OCD before, I knew for sure I was still an outcast here. But I'm not…I actually belong here.
For the first time in my life, I found a place I completely belong. And while I still hate every part of having OCD, I feel safer now that I know I have people to turn to who also have it and understand what it is like. So, thank you all of you who are in the Tribe. Thank you!
Exactly my thoughts.
I try to confess it to some close friends and it backfires!
Is the OCD disabeling? Does it cause one guilt? Can you leave the house without performing certain actions? Do you feel like there's a broken record in the back of your head where it's just set on repeat and it won't turn off no matter how hard you try to fend it off? Do you sit there and wonder if you're insane because of thoughts or your inability to proceed in life? Are you slower at doing things because you're always thinking? Do you have to constantly reassure yourself that you are a good person, or recite; "NO!" to make sure you feel like a good person when you have a bad thought?
Not saying one doesn't have OCD if they don't have all these problems…but ultimately, it's disabeling. Very. It's a battle against ourselves and it's something I wish everday I didn't have. It would be wonderful to feel 'normal', to be who I probably should have been if I didn't carry OCD – that's how bad it effects me.
"Oh. Haha. I have OCD too! I can't stand not having my hands clean or not having things straightened…"
Or;
"You don't have OCD! I've seen that shit on television and you don't do that!"
(But see … I'm mostly 'Pure O' OR carry mental compulsions…it's so difficult to prove to people what goes on in my head when I appear perfectly normal, ASIDE from backing down on a lot ofl stuff or avoiding things … but that isn't exactly detectable.)
Sometimes, I feel like I should just act or purposely display symptoms of OCD so people comprehend it. (Sometimes I actually do without even realizing it, or the OCD create panic attacks and I have to leave before I … well, I dunno…do the unthinkable? Faint?! I'll just lie and say that I'm sick).
welcome, we will all be here for you. yeah…..ocd is hell, and people don't get it. this is a safe place. glad you found it.