Where do I start? This OCD has made the past few days a humble hell for for me.  Im sure my ocd has been enjoying itself and all the attention it has been getting.Lately, I seem to bite on every single negative notion ocd has thrown at me, without hesitation. It has been a constant battle of counting and trying to counter the negative thoughts with positive thoughts before the ocd gets its shot off to interrupt the compulsion, or I end up starting the compulsions over. The ocd is very good at generating a general negative emotion, attatching negative symbolism to it before my brain even develops and translates the intrusive thought as something it thinks it hears or sees. While Im doing this, I know I can stop and its all irrational…but the emotional illusions causing the fight or flight reaction to always land on the first option.

Everything has been a trigger. Faucet drips, foot steps, other people's footsteps, speaking, hearing others speak, the beat of a song, the cursor the blinks in the chat room, the time between messages being sent in the chat room, the telephone poles, street signs, bumps on the roads, the slight click my laptop makes while its on every few seconds, the movement of any part of my body, car motors, passing cars, names, touching anything, swallowing, drinking, each bite of food i take, everything available to the senses has all have been turned into compulsions where each action/sensation has negative thoughts attatched to it, which results in doing the simplest things multiple times, mostly multiples of 6, either before something else happens, and/or until it feels "right".  Rarely do I stop at doing the compulsion under 300 times, each passing day has resulted in doing things into the thousands each compulsion. For what? Another chemically imbalanced ride on the imaginary emotion filled road of real time and life wasted?  Theres so much more to us and life than this. I pray for all of us to find peace, help, comfort and ability to use our full potential in this world and enjoy life someday.

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    Hang in there Raider.  Will your ocd let you read.  If it does, take a crack at Brain Lock.  Good luck pal. agc

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