I lost a friend today. The same one that I have been blogging about in my two previous blogs. I was going to meet her but at the same time I was dreading it knowing I probably wouldn't see her again. Still being mad at her didn't help either. I called her and said I didn't know if I could meet her today just because I was still very upset about everything. She called me selfish and unfair(I'm not the one sneaking around getting married and moving without telling everybody until the week of) about it all, among other things, and long story short we're not friends anymore. To add insult to injury I even hung up on her. I later realized what I had done and called back and left a voicemail apologizing. Granted I most likely will never hear back from her again but couldn't help but think how I had been selfish during most of the friendship. I often take a lot of things for granted and realized that I needed to make that right too. I called a few friends I hadn't called in a while and apologized to them and wanted them to know that I wanted to be a better person. One of them said that even though this was a sad event, what I do with this is up to me. I made things right the moment I realized how wrong I was but if there's no resolution, maybe she wasn't that great of a friend to begin with. I know I can be too much sometimes and for my family I am difficult to live with. A passage in the Bible talks about how iron sharpens iron. I said what I needed to say and so did she. I was called out on my selfishness just as she was called out on hers. I made a real mess of things and now I need to clean it up. I started that today. I regret losing someone I cared about so much in my life but maybe one day the pieces will be put back together. I regret my whining especially here on this forum. You guys have been nothing but sincere and gracious to me. I want to be a better person but I know I can't do this on my own. I'm tired of hurting those I love and not seeing the damage I leave until it's too late. I think I just figured out the whole reason I'm lonely: my own reflection.

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