I really hate having the type of OCD that I have, I feel so pathetic that I'm always constantly worried to DEATH about another person not loving me. That's what these thoughts leave me feeling like…a pathetic, parasitic person who can only exist based on whether or not her boyfriend loves her enough.
My boyfriend has been unemployed for a while, he's been doing 3D modeling training, (the type of stuff Pixar does), and he finaly had an interview the other day. OFcourse, with MY LUCK, who does he have to work under and interview with?! A GIRL…a YOUNGER girl, probably in her late 20's. That alone, made my heart stop when I found that out. Whether or not she's attractive, I don't even want to know, not like that makes a difference becuase my ex boyfriend of 3 YEARS left me for a girl who "was just his friend," who was BARLEY attractive at all. I really think that whole think with that ex really traumatized me, not only because of how awful it felt to be left for someone else, but also because thats what my OCD was about! I had thoughts CONSTANTLY that he would leave me for this girl, who was "just a member of his band, just a friend," and then it actually came true! I don't thinik that I will ever fully recover from that, and I'm suffering partially from that right now. My boyfriend would be working VERY CLOSLEY on porjects WITH THIS GIRL, and yes, other people, but STILL WITH HER and worse, probably OTHER GIRLS….I just don't see how its possible that ANY MALE can have a job, where they work constantly with other women, and STILL remain faithful to their wives or girlfriends, I just don't see how thats possible…I thought it was once, and look what happened…and I feel like its only a matter of time before it happens again, and history repeats itself.
I keep gettnig images in my head of him "making friends" with other girls,women, and goes to lunch with them, and him falling for them, and feeling guilty because he doesn't want to hurt me…ITS SO PAINFUL and it hurts EVEN MORE that I feel like ITS COMING, and I have to WAIT UNTIL IT DOES