So for the last o I don't know about the last month and a half I haven't really been myself. To be honest I have severly depressed lately. I have been depressed for the past almost 14 years. I have alot of demons and problems that I haven't dealt with, that I have just pushed away hoping they would just go away. Well they didn't go away, they have come back to smack me right in the face.

I have decided that I am going to do some soul searching to find myself again. I want to be happy again like I use to be. Some people say that I may have postpartum depression, which I think is part of this, but I think this is much bigger then postpartum depression. I am going to get help in any way I can. On May 3, I am going to the doctors to talk about the possibilty of medication. This depression has gotten to the point where I need medication to help me, I can't do this on my own, it is to far gone.

I have questioned my faith and belief in God. For the past almost 14 years, I have a question that is always running through my mind all day long. How is there a God if he is willing to take a mother and a father away from 4 innocent child??? I felt there was no God, since the day my parents passed away. However, I have come to realize that I need to forgive and become close with God again. So I am going to work hard and do all I can to be close with God again.

I get mad and upset over the littlest things. I try not to but it just happens, everything these days seems to bother me. So anyone that I have lashed out to, got mad at, or upset with I am sorry. It is nothing against you, my emotions are just on a roller coaster and I just can't seem to control my emotions anymore.

I am hoping through this soul searching of mine, I will have friends and family there to support me, I need all the help I can get. I need to get my life back on track somehow, some way.

Well that is what is going on with me these days for those of you who were wondering. Any other questions, I guess feel free to ask, I don't know if I will have the answers but I will try.