I am so frustrated. Even more than frustration, I'm at my wit's end with most of the things going on right now. I try not to be, making an effort to step away for a moment and breathe deep before I explode, but I'm running out of patience for the useless tactic.
I know I'm a rather intelligent woman. I do usually have a clear mind when I look at things. And yet, I am conflicted with life and its purpose. I feel pressed to make a decision I will regret, so that I will have made a decision at all. Does it really even matter? I've been at this fork many times, and no matter which path I take I always end back here, at the beginning. I've done little more than chance my own shadow across twenty-three years.
I used to pray. And prayer used to soothe my mind. When God sat back quietly and let things run their course, I turned to people. People are ridiculously unreliable. A completely selfish lot we've become. "Here, let me help you, but only if I can get something in return…oh, there's nothing in it for me? See you around."
Fuck all of you. Sincerely, you can go to hell. I know I am not worthless, and God help you for making me feel that way about myself.
Lately I fantasize about where I'll go when I'm finally employed again. Oh the things I'll be saving up to do… France, the Rocky Mountains, adventure upon adventure.
And when I live my life more fulling than you ever dreamed, you'll regret ever making me feel so small and fleeting. I'm a blip on your radar, and you are just a plume of dust in my rear view.
Well.. this is what I would say if I could say it. Call me a ninny, I think mean thoughts and keep grinning. You can blame that one on my parents.