I finally got a couple hours of sleep after two nights with none.  I hate this constant deep depression.  It is my life.  Before '92 my life was full and normal.  My mind keeps going back to those days.  It is like a dream that happened to someone else.  I have been so depressed so severly for so long that anything else seems like a farytale.  I know it's not though, for every day I watch my daughter and her family being excited, energetic, enjoying life and trying to make me do so to.  She gets so discouraged though as I fail to respond to all the love she gives me.  I feel guilty and at times terrified that she will give up on me and leave me again on my own.  That is when I become suicidal and have tried so many times.  God just won't let me die no matter how much I want it.  I shouldn't feel this way for I am so blessed.  My daughter has arranged it such that the normal stresses of living are relieved for me.  But I create abundent stress for myself.  It is so distructive and I know better but I can't help myself.  I am resigned to being this way until finally I die.  Often I pray that I will not awake even though I know the pain it would cause my daughter and grandsons.  They all give me so much love and I try to return it but regardless I am empty and do not want to struggle a moment longer.  I am happy to have found DT … the people here.  I am happy to have found the chat room.  It is the first time I have had an oppertunity to interact with others who understand since I stopped going to group theropy.  I am fearful that I will abandon it like I abandoned group theropy … because I can't bear to keep seeing so much pain and because I so seldom see real improvement for anyone.  They are just like me.  Perpetually trapped in this horrible mental illness.  Now, in addition to the mental illness I have to deal with and suffer these debilitating physical illnesses.  The only times I get out of the house – out of my room except for supper – is to go to the constant and frequent doctor appointments and tests.  I am so tired of the constant pain and the constant Parkenson symptoms.  If I have to leave my current living circomstances I will somehow manage a way to bring it to an end.  I pray that isn't what it all comes to.  I wish this blog had a spell checker.