So as most of you who replyed to my last blog know I have been sitting herre for a few days now wondering what to do about the man on my mind. He was my best friend for 10 years and it all ended rather suddenly and nasty. He has over the last 3 years been in contact with my mother, sister, and step mother, trying to convince them to convince me to forgive him and call him. I admit to being a very stuborn pigheaded person who holds on to grudges for a long time. eg: my father disagreed with me once and i didn't speak to him or his wife for 8 months. My step father said something hurtful to my sister and I stopped talking to him for 9 years. 

I do fell that ferther details are required for understanding of my grudge. See when things blew up it was during the lowest point in my life. my marriage had failed. I had lost my job, my home, and my children. As my best friend he knew the details and how much it all had effected me. At that time I had found myself a new job where I had met my new BF (Whom I am now engaged to and have a child with). Since my kids were not with me and at that time my access to them was restricted I spent alot of time with my BF. My friend did not like this. He kept insisting I come out but that I leave my BF at home. I didn't think this fair and said no. I tried to arrainge things we could all do but he would always back out. He wanted to do things without my BF. My BF felt like he was trying to get rid of him. One day when I had refused to go out again my friend had gotten mad and without repeating exactly what was said he implied that "It was no wonder my kids had been taken away from me because I was more intrested in geting f**k** then being a mother and I didn't deserve to get my kids back. And that if I chose my BF over him that night not to speak to him again." So i didn't. He took 3 months to call me and appoligize. I simply hung up on himand never spoke to him again. I understand he was upset but loosing my kids was devastating and what he said was cruel. 

Thing was in 10 years we had never faught. not once. not until then. I have no idea what had come over him. My BF said he was acting like a jealous lover trying to come between us and thank god he was out of our lives. But I miss him so much. I try to tell my BF he was a great guy but he wont beleive me. I can't blame him. All he has is what he saw and heard when we first met and I have to admit that was a really bad first impression. My BF does not want me to call him. he strongly beleives my friend will try again to come between us and try to get rid of him. He feels threatened because we only have 3 years together but I have 10 years of hystery with him. I suppose I understand his fears but I wish I could make him see it wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't let it happen. 

I want to call my friend and see what happens since he's been reaching out to me. he clearly misses me. And his new baby sounds so sick, I would really like to be there for him. Only I don't know what to do. I have to admit after 3 years of hostial silence i'm afraid to pick up the phone. I wouldn't know what to say, how awkward it would feel, and then to deal with our wounded relationship. and my scared BF, and then the hostilaty between the two of them. And god only knows how his GF will feel about me popping back into his life. How do you pick up the peices. what do you say? How do you take that first step?