After the incident I had at Walmart yesterday, and realizing that it was probably just a setback, I decided I would go on an immediate walk this morning. It felt good, but didn't stop the flow of bad thoughts. I thought I'd do my best to be deattached from them and just let them come and go. And boy, did they come. Every time I changed a thought to a new subject. Every time I looked at someone or something, etc.

Came back, had a healthy breakfast, then went back up to my room. Since my computer is broken, I have to use my 3DS for Internet. I cling to that thing now for reading articles and stuff to help me through this BS. Can you blame me? I can't afford help.

I can't look at my cat or hear his name or anything else related to him anymore without being reminded of the anxiety attack I had the other day of physically harming him. When I look at our beautiful cat, I'm reminded of a traumatic incident with my brain instead of taking in his beauty and cuteness. It's cruel and unfair. I hate it. The thought itself is gone, but it left an imprint.

Today I tried meditating. It's hard, because whenever I want to do something postive, my mind automatically searches for the negative.

Earlier tonight my mind went in an anxiety attack. Thoughts criss-crossed every which way and did their best to contradict everything I had learned today regarding the handling of my obsessive thinking. Couldn't even watch TV in peace because my mind always placed me in the setting and wondered/told me that I would never be able to enjoy such a setting because of my problem, further hindering me with doubts that I'll ever get better and that I should just give up. Of course it sounds crazy now that I write it, but my mind went into full panic though my body rarely panics, for I manage to hold it in very well. Instead, my mind goes nuts and I suffer more on the inside. Scratch that. It got so bad that I started pacing back and forth downstairs in the livingroom, wishing there was some beer or something I could drink.

Instead my sister let me borrow her laptop so I could relax in bed while listening to some brain entrainment stuff. Listened to that for a while, which ended the attack for sure and left me totally relaxed.

I was watching a YouTube video I made a while back and feeling calm. Then I had a thought like, boy, I'm glad I don't have an obsessive thought right now and that I can enjoy this for once. Then anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. I swear, my obsessive thinking has also become impulsive. Impulsive to the anxiety I feel. For example, sometimes I'll get an anxiety that feels like my mind is searching for something to make me obsess over. Some really negative thought. Then sometimes I give in and give it a negative thought (reasoning: "thoughts are harmless right? It shouldn't emotionally impact me…"). Big mistake. This makes me obsess over a NEW intrusive thought. And so the cycle continues.

It really sucks when it gets so bad that I can no longer have grip on ANY rationality. Am I very forgetful? Or is it just that bad sometimes?

For once, I would like to wake up in the morning without my mind racing. Damn, I wish I had friends I could hang out with.

2 Comments
  1. Lantean 9 years ago

    No. I can\'t afford medication.

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  2. Lantean 9 years ago

    @Redrhapsody

    1. I would never give in to these thoughts.

    2. Sliding scale for 1 time is 60 dollars in Coos Bay. I can\'t afford that. I jus bought a self-help book for 14 bucks, and that was most of my money from saving on cans and bottles.

    3. Telling me that I could actually give in to any of my dark thoughts just gave me a huge anxiety attack.

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