February 6th I was one year sober

I should have been happy, but it was more of a guilt trip, bad memories kinda deal.

I felt guilty for all the stupid things I did, for all the people I hurt, and all the friends I lost.

I felt guilty for letting myself go the way that I did.

I felt angry because now I feel like half of what I do or see becomes a trigger.

I never imagined that I would considering relapsing again so many times. My Psychology teacher was discussing Freud's cocaine use .. and for a moment .. I actually considered it to be a good idea.

The person I primarily shared my drug use with was my friend Shane. (Name Changed) We did everything together. I woke up, got high, went to school. Once I got out of school, I went over to Shane's house and got high with him. We came down a few hours later, and got high one more time. Half the time I went to bed high so I could wake up with the same feeling – then once I took more pills … I'd amplify the feeling. Now that I think about it, I think I was just trying to replicate my first high. (Yeah, it never happened. Close.. but never.) He found out life changing news and we cried on a bench and then got high together. Our lives (especially mine) were revolved around the pills.

I OD'ed and had a 7 minute seizure one night. My mom showed up at the hospital and didn't say anything. The first person I wanted to see (and only person at the time) was Shane. He was all I had. All my mom ended up saying was "I think you've learned your lesson." All I could think was, "what lesson?" I was released from the hospital around 5am – I went home .. slept for a couple hours. Then I got high.

I'm no longer friends with Shane – and I miss him so much. Everytime I think of him I think of drugs. I know it would be a VERY destructive friendship if we ever became friends again – but sometimes I think it's worth the chance.