Why do I have to feel as if I am alone with depression? I woke up today and didn't want to face another day of feeling worthlessness. If it wasn't for my deep faith in God, I probably would not have woken up at all. Every day I pray to be released from the claws of depression and anxiety and am still dealing with it. I have a Dr. who is afraid to have me try new meds because I've had so many side effects from the past ones but there is so many out there that I feel one has to work for me. But she keeps putting it off month after month. This month I celebrate my 10 days in the psych ward and am so depressed just thinking about what I went through. I don't think the darkness of winter is helping any either. She doesn't seem to get it? I am looking for a new doctor that will listen to me instead of looking at me quizzically like I have 2 heads. So tired, so sad, so fed up with dealing with this depression. I need to find myself again but don't know where along the road I got lost? I think when I had to leave my job and go on disability (ironically not for depression and anxiety because I drank them away while I worked) but for health reasons. I, now, struggle with self identity. I've worked hard all my life and now I've hit a brick wall and can't get over it. I've banged my head against it many times but cannot find a way over it. I want to smell the roses again. I want to get up in the morning knowing I have something to give to society. I want to feel normal and not like a psycho freak. Thank you for anyone who has read this and can empathize with me. I know I am not alone out there but i wander around at times looking at people and wondering who is taking meds? Are they sad or reallly happy? I used to be……please help me for I feel I am sinking so slowly.

5 Comments
  1. pangea 9 years ago

    im exactly where you are.  well said

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  2. DiscoQueen 9 years ago

    Oh my dear you are so not alone in those feelings. I applaud you for struggling to make it though those days when just to get out of the bed is a major accomplishment. I am so tired of people telling me to "get over it" and you should look on the bright side, etc. I think especially when you have been in the black hole it is so easy to slide back down that way. This may be bad to say but sometimes I miss when I was in the psych ward because I didn't have to try so hard to make it though the day and when you are on the pills you are so numb you don't feel any pain. I am not going to lie and say it gets better because some times it doesn't. Sometimes it is just crap and all I can say is hey I didn't cut myself or try to kill myself again so I can count that as a good day. However there are other times where I think if I wasn't here I would have missed that joke that my kids made or that hug that I got. All we can do is just keep going and realize that we are truly not alone in that there are many, many people like us out there.

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  3. Andie372 9 years ago

    So sorry you're so deep in depression right now. You are not worthless. YES get a new doc. Any psychiatrist worth his salt knows it takes many tries before you hit on the right combo. You are suffering needlessly, and it makes me angry that a professional would let this happen. Always be an advocate for yourself, no matter how you're feeling. , there are many people walking around suffering, you just don't know. That's why I always try to smile and be nice to others, because you don't know what they might be going through. A smile might brighten their day

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  4. taunteanna 9 years ago

    Andie,

    You are a person such as I.  No matter how awful I feel noone outside knows because I am a caring individual who always tries to smile and help others.  But its the dark inside that I hide that eats at my inner being.  I am going to look for another doctor in that practice because I found out that she is understudying under another doctore so she is not experienced or fully licensed?  WOW,  Now i know why she is afraid to prescribe me anything.  She keeps postponing every one I suggested I could try,  She thinks I can do it all by myself as I keep getting worse by the week.  Thank you for responding and showing me that others do care and "understand".  Most people who haven't experienced this horrible feeling does not get it.  They just think you can "snap out of it". 

    Taunteanna

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  5. Andie372 9 years ago

    Anyone who says “snap out of it” has no feeling, understanding, or empathy for others. But I suppose unless you've been in the black hole and struggled you don't or can't understand. I a, glad you are going to get a new doctor. You deserve some help. Meds really help me to cope.

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