I don’t want to admit it but both my parents were addicts under the blanket. They Both used something to help them cope. My father with his drinks, and hard music to combine into the ultimate defense against whatever he had going on in his head. Not that I knew him all that well. I think some of my memories of his were buried and now I can’t even remember them just briefly.

My mother the emotional rollercoaster she is never smoked around me, barely drank around me. He addiction? Men who treat her like shit and pills. It hurts typing this out sometimes but I try to be as real and honest as I can because this is my safe place. My mother such a topic for me to understand. At one point I was so connected with her. As time went by I felt used, replaced and neglected. She brought me in this world to love me like i’m a puppy and then as I grew older she grew bored with me. I didn’t see her as a hero anymore, I watched her destroy what little connection we had for her own happiness. I wasn’t surprised at all. selfish broken woman.

This blog today isn’t about them though. I just wanted to give you the small back ground info you would need in order to see things from my perspective.

I turned down the guy who I wrote many blogs about. I knew I was stretching the truth and making him seem perfect for a while. I made it seem as if he was the one and only. The one guy who is destined to be with me. I do it every time when I really want something to work out for me. I over convince myself that this is what I want and later realized it really wasn’t because I had fallen in love with the potential. I remember being happy around him, felt safe and welcomed. But from time to time he would make some jokes that he claimed were suppose to be funny but it really had me feeling disrespected. I ignored it the first time thinking I was being a bit soft. I thought okay I can take a little criticism, Right? then minutes later again another insult/joke. I’m not crazy right is how I felt. Maybe I was giving off a vibe? is this my anxiety making me hyper aware and sensitive? All my thoughts were like nope. You are realizing he isn’t what you want.

All i thought was Its a good thing you didn’t confess your love lol. Its a good thing you didn’t get a Christmas gift for him. That would have been awkward. I watched and listened. He had so much to figure out I gave him an out. I know now I can’t be with him if he himself isn’t healthy. I-was kind of relieved. Ive managed this long alone i’m afraid of sharing my space again. SO I will look for all red flags.

Oh whale.. I can’t always be addicted to feelings and perceptions I have of people thinking what I made in my head is really them.