So it’s been a few months now that I’ve been seriously trying to make progress and become myself more. I had all these ideas of the things I want to do.

I wanted to get into better shape, improve my overall physical appearance. I wanted to start living for myself and doing this in my life because I wanted to. Stuff that’s only for me. But today I realized that even in my growth process I wasn’t truly doing things for myself.

Mainly all the changes are to my appearance and somehow I had convinced myself that it’s because I wanted it when in reality it’s because I still feel the need to look good for others. I have never been an attractive person and I wanted to change that but if I do it like this then its purely for approval and not for myself.

I want to challenge myself to start thinking truly and really only about the things I want.

I have to acknowledge that absolutely nobody in this world wants me. There’s no one I need to look good for. I am dating no one nor is anybody waiting. I am free to do whatever it is I want. No one will lose attraction to me or feelings for me if I start just being myself.

I only have things to gain not lose.

And I have to stop thinking about my ex. They will never want me back and that’s something I have to accept. Not through soft reassurances to myself that I am worthy, but through harsh reality. I have to get it through my thick skull. There is no way I could change and no one I could be that would make me appealing to them.

So why not let go of the fear of being unappealing and at the very least do things that make me happy.

I know it’s important, but I have to admit that writing this is making me light headed and nauseated with anxiety. I really really need to do some inner work and not let fear of abandonment overpower me. I cannot change the world around me, only myself. And only for me.