Here I sit…. 2:41 am, after a waking panic attack. I was sleeping, I fell asleep fairly quick. I do remember dreaming but it wasnt scary or anything and then suddenly I was wide awake staring at my ceiling. I looked over and there was my husband laying so close to me his arm was sweaty and touching mine and he was snoring. I ripped the covers back and jump out of bed because I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I woke my husband up to angrily accuse him of waking me up and ask him to please get up because I feel terrible and this cant possibly be good for me or any human body. Im 39 and unfit…… I start to worry that the ticker cant handle such sudden stress! To wake up and go from groggy to full blown alert, heart pounding, dizzy and jello legs in 3 seconds cant be good for the body…. I sure know it isnt good for the mind! My husband after 18 years still doesnt understand anxiety. He tries but he doesnt get it. He does the usual and gets angry at me but he does get up and get dressed all the while telling me this is bullshit and yes I do need to go to the hospital to get my head checked basically. Im pacing and crying at this point because I feel scared that I was abruptly ripped out of sleep by I dont even know what and having so many weird and uncomfortable body sensations. I do want to go to the hospital and tell them to just fix me! God wouldnt that be something if they could just fix me!!! I end up in the bathroom sobbing because I feel scared and embarrassed and uncomfortable and asking God why!! Why does he allow this to happen to me? Now here I sit at 2:55 am shaking uncontrollably in front of my computer writing a blog entry in hopes that I will get this out and feel better because someone out there can understand what im going through. I am assuming this shaking comes from my nerves as a result of such sudden fear?? It seems to happen alot when Im really anxious or uptight. The messed up thing is I have ativan for moments like this but guess what? Ive never taken one because Im scared to……. because I have health anxiety on top of my other 49 shades of fucked up! I still dont know if my husband woke me up, maybe he did. Hes such a bed hog and my sleep has been interrupted for years because of it. I quit smoking cigarettes on New Years day and ever since, my anxiety has went from a small squeak to a giant roar and I am almost ready to just go back to smoking because I am almost convinced that something in cigarettes kept my anxiety under control. I try to reflect and think of the root of why I am having such anxiety and there are alot of reasons actually but that is another blog in itself I think? I turn 40 in August……. My youngest baby graduates this year and plans on leaving home right away and I have been with my husband for 18 years and although I love him so so dearly I feel like I am being held back from life and need to be on my own and spread my own wings instead of holding his out and open like I have been for 18 years………. stay tuned for more of the adventures through my twisted mind!


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