Today was an okay day until I got to my boyfriend's house. Turns out my body decided it wanted to get massive stomach aches which made me feel like I was going to throw up. Soooo I ended up leaving his house in sheer panic..gribbing the steernig wheel the entire 30 minutes home. When i got home I was still panicky and somehow i am STILL panicky even though ist been…5 hours? Wow..its been 5 hours.. Why cant i relax!?

I have this really bad self esteem issue lately that I feel like I am just.. morbidly fat. Everywhere ..EVERYWHERE people are smaller then me. I go to the store and everone there is like a size 3.. Its like am I the only one who is like.. not skinny?!

And yada yada yada people say its all on the inside that counts.. but lets be honest people…. THATS A LIE WE TELL OURSELVES. Who gets the good jobs nowadays? (beautiful people) Who is on television making money? (beautiful people) Who marries into wealthy families and finds good, attractive, honest men? (beautiful people) And how do you explain the people who are REALLY GOOD people and also DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.  Thats not fair!!!! NOT FAIR I TELL YOU!! I think that you should either be super ugly and a good person or super hot and a bad pesron.. wouldn't life work great that way!?

I wish this wasn't the way it works.. I wish we were all blind, but then I would still be screwwed as I don't consider myself a fun person because I can never go and do anything with these panic attacks.

In all reality I feel like a purposeless slob. I am not eye candy, nor am I a fun person to be around because I don't like being around people.

Did God just decide he was going to give everyone else the good genes and just give me the leftovers? Its not fair. 

I have tried to be happy with myself but it seems all I see are the imperfections. These panic attacks have lowered my self esteem to the point that I feel like I can't even contribute anything to society. I want to go out there and lose weight and be confident but everytime that I get near working out i get paranoid that I'm gunna throw up or pass out from working out.. its an endless cycle that I can't seem to overcome.

I wish I was born with beauty..grace.. peace.. Hell even one of them would have been nice..