So this week I was very busy with school. I finally feel like I am at the right moment to start my carreer in a good way. Like a blank new beginning. I guess this is the only hope I have now for my life, the feeling that I am not completly useless and maybe even a meaning or reason to keep living and fighting even though it is just work. I guess I'm getting more used to this depression and lonelyness. If I made it so far with all these stuff I guess it wont matter if I have to live like this my whole life. I feel like I will never have the things I truly want in my heart but I'm going to try to use and apreciate the things I have. Not everything we want is needed. If you don't have it and you are still able to breath then you can live without it. Even when it hurts. If the pain was deadly I wouldn't be alive still. I might feel dead inside but my body is still kind of working. My heart is still beating.
Early mornings are very hard, but I make myself go up and go to school without thinking twice. I have to do this and try to get better in it. This is the only thing that keeps my busy with life. I understand I need to stop worrying about what others thinks of me and start living for myself. People who bully me because of many aspects of my life when they don't know what brought me to this point. I know when they say these things I will keep getting hurt but I know I have to turn my back from it and move on. Whatever the things are these people say, no matter how it hurts it doesn't matter. Not the first time or last I will have to cry or get hurt. I'm used to it and from experience I know it won't kill me unless I do someting myself. So in the end there is nobody to blame but myself.
I have been working on my book too. Hopefully soon I will be done with it, but it will take some time. I need to get better in these things and I'm glad I have these stuff to do to keep my mind out of negative thoughts. Keeping yourself busy with other things really helps you from those depressive or suicidal thoughts even if it's just for a moment. Going for a walk, going to the store, school, work, listen to music or come onhere. I guess the little things are what matters more sometimes.
I still deal daily with my confusion about life and death. Creation, where we are from, what are we? I have alot of questions and that is oneof the reasons I choosed this carreer. I have been reading lots of books too. There is so much I want to know!
Today I have a free day and I will probably be on my computer the whole day, doing some home and housework and playing with Mindy. Yay finally weekend..I will try to thi9nk positive thoughts. Eventhough I am lonely I want things to look forward to alone. I guess if we don't do it for ourselfs who else will? It's very hard but we have to try and support each other.
If anybody who is reading need somebody to talk to, please feel free to send me a message. I will answer right away since I will be online most of the time today and this weekend.
Hope we all have a great week and take care of yourselfs.