Well… I have been dating this guy on & off for 3 years… I am in love with him… well actually I don't know…

I'm a jr. in high school and our prom is this friday… my boyfriend and i are in a fight.

Last week, Wednesday, my father and I got in a huge fight over prom. I am paying for it, but he is angry because he wanted my boyfriend to pay for some of the things. The thing is, I have a job and right now my boyfriend doesn't. Because I had all this money my dad started yelling at me, calling me a slut and a whore, being the reason I had so much. When really i JUST WORK MY ASS OFF! My father in the past was abusive… So I called my boyfriend after the drama… He then complained to me about how, I guilt him into coming to see me when I only have a few hours freee from work. So basically everyone is mad at me because I work, I'm working so I can afford to go to prom… make sense huh?

I told him I "felt" like cutting. My boyfriend had made a condition that if I cut, we would break up, the last time I cut was in August 2006. Well that night because I felt I would be just a problem for him, I scratched my left shoulder 6 times. Now I wasn't completely insane at the time, I didn't want to die, I was just depressed… I felt I had no one to turn to. My boyfriend annoyed with me, my dad yelling… I'm ready to cry right now while I'm re-writting this…

Anyway so he saw it the next, and now wants to dump me… I can't explain it to him because he doesn't understand. He says I'm the problem. He is right, he always is…. but sometimes he doesn't help either. I felt so alone, what else to do when your feeling so worthless…

I talked to his dad and he understands both sides to the story, which is a god sent because I don't think anyone else does. They all feel bad for him…. poor Austin and hios crazy girlfriend…

Sometimes I just want to commit myself because then @least they (the public) could have the satifaction that they were right… I know I'm fucked up, and I want help, but when the person you love, you want help from, is telling that he doesn't want to be with you…. hmmm… like then what?

Anyways, after not talking for 4 days I finally got ahold of him, he says he wants to go to prom with me still, and then after, go to my tyhrapist with me to see if he can "understand" right now I just want to give up. I want to leave because he desirves better… but I don't because… I do love him, even though no one believes me. Just sometimes things are too hard, you don;'t want to bring anyone else into it. I don't want to feel like I wasted 3 years of my life to nothing. I want to left him go but easier said then done. I'm selfish right now, I'm thinking of me, whats gonna happen after we break up. I'll just go back in my eatting disorder… my cutting… my hatting of everything and everyone. Why do I make myself so helpless… I know I'm not strong.

God Please Help Me… God I just want to make it in this world…

 

I'm sorry for typo's its just my mind is not… at a place where I can think clear… Thanks to anyone who cared to read this and any feed back…

It means more to me than you'll ever know

1 Comment
  1. missjamielynn 14 years ago

    i know exactly what you're going through.  it is hard to make someone understand what you're going through when they dont have the same mindset as you.  i lost the love of my life because i felt like i was just going to burden him with my struggles with cutting, so i pushed him into breaking up with me.  everyday i look back and regret it more than anything.  i hope that everything works out for you.  i'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to.  sounds like we go through a lot of the same things.

     

    ~jamie

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