Is it fair? Is it fair to ask someone to be responsible for…getting you right?
I can't do it by myself. I feel like I can't really ask for help..
If people know I'm not right…they'll judge…..maybe worse, they'll feel bad….or maybe worse still maybe they won't. I don't want everyone to know everything. I just don't. I feel supremely uncomfortable with that thought. Having them look at me, like I'm damaged goods…or like they didn't do enough to prevent the damage. I don't want to announce to the world that I'm ….sad damnit.
I've always sort of put my faith in one person at a time…and that doesnt work really does it? I mean…you can't ask one person to …fix you. Especially a person that is just someone you care about andnot necessarily someone who is actually qualified to do so. See, its setting yourself up for dissapointment everytime. Eventually, you will hit a point where they have their own lives to go about..or they get frustrated because you are just poor company ALL the time it seems…and for some reason…you take that personally. You tell yourself not to, but you can't help it. You wonder. You wonder, and that whirlwind starts to form and even when you try your best to suffocate it eventually..it consumes you.You start doubting everything…and that paranoia and neediness you have turns back into that stabbing loneliness again. Come to think of it, it does that everytime doesn't it?
So how do you get yourself right? I mean how do you do it, without opening a giant wound for the whole world to see when all you want to do is close that wound up forever so even you cant see or feel it anymore? What am i supposed to do? Stop everything in my life and walk to the nearest hospital and say …excuse me can you help me Im sad? That doesnt work…
There is one facility where I live that I know of that is dedicated to mental health treatments.. I was referred and never got a call, an appointment, nothing…They have a huge waiting list of people with bigger problems I guess. People who…"scream" louder and more desperately for the help.
But you see, I don't wanna scream..I'm just whispering Help Me…and no one can hear me……