I am home alone today. I was supposed to be out with my husband and kids. Wanted to spend quality time with the kids but I worked the over night shift and for off at 8am. I am hust so exhausted and I know it would've beena bad idea to have gone. I feel like shit because I feel like I'm alienating my kids from life because of the problems I'm having with my husband. Everythig they do seems to irritate me and I don't want to be an asshole with them. I'm just so tire from working my 3 jobs and school that I just don't know if school was such a good idea to add on top of all the other shit I have going on. I really dont want to quit because it took me so long to even get in. I'm doing this to get a better paying job that I love doiong but will also pay well and have benefits. I just feel so guilty that I am neglecting my kids. I find myself right now as I type crying uncontrollaby. My therapist cancelled my appt yesterday because she had some crisis' to deal with. Which I understand but I really needed to see her. My mind has been racing full of doubt and indecision about what I'm doing/or going to do about my family. I keep thinking should I get divoced or shouldn't I. I know I have to because I am so unhappy and I know he will never change. At the same time I have to deal with him and he's going to be in my life all the time. He is going to have to help me with the kids and they may be with him alot of the time which makes me think what the fuck the point is in moving out. ANother thing is that it terrifies me to be alone. Not living alone I think i will love that. But being alone for the rest of my life. I have been so unlucky in love that I just feel like I will never find anyone who accepts me for who and what I am. I feel like I am a good person but have all these issues that prevent me from being able to form normal relationships with ppl. It makes me so sad that I know I will not find anyone to be my life partner. The 2 men I would have loved to be with r taken. I just need to have a little more dignity and self worth and stop settling for shit or crumbs of so called affection. I feel sooooooo sad today. This dark coud is hovering over me and won't go away. I am glad my family is not here atm because I feel manic and just need to be alone to deal with all this inner turmoil. I have no friends to turn to since I have lived as a hermit for so many years. And my family just doesn't understand or even know that I suffer from all this mental stuff. They r the types that think anyone with mental illness is week minded and just need to get over it. I am all alone. I suffer and deal with everything alone. My husband knows I have all these issues but has never been supportive or understanding about any of it. I sometimes feel like running away from it all traveling to Europe or something. I feel like my kids would be better off without me but then I snap out of it and know my kids need me. If it wasnt for them I don't know where I'd be. I'b be lost very lost. I just want to feel normal. Whatevr normal is. I just want to be happy but it seems likie it's too much to ask. I don't know what I'm going to do about my marriage. I don't want to be in it anymore I don't. I hope he doesn't make things difficult for me and just gets over himself and realize that he need to be there for the kids. Stop being so fucking selfish and act like a responsible man for once. Why does life have to be so damn difficult. I hope that with this therapy I can find answers and peace. I don't think I have ever had peace in my life. It sucks! I guess we'll se what happens. I want to get out and meet ppl. I am justr so affraid that they will see through me and see that I'm mess. The song Creep by Radiohead describes me and how I feel, to the T. I want to have friends and be able to be able to connect to a partner without being afraid they r going to hurt me. I suppose in this day and age even the "norms" have a hard time finding that one person. I guess it's a life of lonelyness for me… =`(


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