My mind wont stop.
I keep telling myself to let it go. Every little thing…It's all mounting, building…
My paranoia is killing me, suffocating me.
I feel like every little thing is evidence that something bad is happening.
Things that deep inside my head … where its somewhat clear…I know that its nothing. It's all these stupid things that he doesn't think about but they all make me think that somethings going on.
I hate that I am so insecure that I can't stop this toxic thinking.
I've resorted to snooping…I feel guilty that I am snooping but at the same time I gain some relief. It stops the screaming in my mind. I feel horrible because I trust my bf I just can't trust in myself that I'm enough. And what is the kicker of this whole stupid thing…Under all the paranoia, the OCD-ness that has manifested itself….Is that I know how fuct up it all is. How horrible it is that ive resorted to snooping. Over 3 years we've been together and its almost like I just am still waiting for the other shoe to drop…For him to realize that I'm not good enough. I also found in my shitty snooping that there was a name of a girl who I don't know and i know its not work related in his phonebook. And ever since then all I can think of is who is it and why is her number in his phonebook. I've never heard her name…Not as a friend he knew or anything…And so…that only heightened my paranoia, anxiety. I don't know how to stop. I feel like I should talk to him about my paranoia but I 1) don't know how to broach the subject, 2) think he'll either laugh it off as stupid that I feel this way and/or 3) if it comes out that I was snooping he's going to be very angry.
I feel like I'm stuck between a very large rock and a very hard place. It's a catch 22. I either live everyday paranoid and trying to stamp it out. Or i try to talk about it and risk causing a HUGE upset.
I feel like I'm drowning.
And my head still spins.
My mind wont stop.