I think that, the worst kind of crying, is when you’re lying in bed, with your hand over your mouth so you don’t make noise. The tears are running down your face, onto your pillow. And your heart is breaking. And you’re thinking of everything wrong you’ve done in your life; to others, to ones you love, to yourself. You’re thinking about everything that’s making you cry. Your other hand is on your heart or stomach, because they both hurt. Before I posted this, I called 1800-273-8255. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline. I couldn’t handle myself. Being myself. Knowing who I was and what has happened to me. Not knowing if I should bother my partner, simply because I needed a shoulder to cry on. Mental breakdowns, make your body feel like it’s shattering—on the verge of total collapse. You can’t breathe. A fist is in your throat, your limbs paralyzed as you try to breathe, to cry. All you want to do is cry, but you can’t. No crying, no screaming. The voices inside your head echo relentlessly. Telling you things you should have done; things you shouldn’t have done. Screaming at you. Breaking you further. Was it only when you’re at your breaking point, that you realize, enough was enough? That you didn’t want that pain anymore? No… no. That can’t be the end of it—the final curtain. No. You have to be strong. We have to be strong. You’re not alone. Just because you get pushed to a breaking point, doesn’t mean you have to fall all the way down. There needs to be complete darkness in order for you to see the beauty of the nighttime sky; the stars, the moon. The galaxies, the milk way, and the constellations. Don’t be afraid of the dark—don’t be afraid of who you are. Don’t be afraid of what judgmental people might say. Create a safe space around yourself. Turn the voices in your head into beings of inspiration. Try. Trying is sometimes all we can do. And it’s the best we can do. Just remember: It’s all right to not be okay. It’s not required of you. You’re allowed to have your own feelings. Your own opinions on things. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. I don’t know if I’m talking to myself or others… but maybe there’s someone also out there that needs a shoulder to cry on. Here. We can share mine. Don’t push people away when they give you a lifeline… you might slip into the depths before they can throw it a second time.

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