Never in my life did I think I would be online looking for help with my problems, let alone writing a blog. A Google search looking for someone to talk to led me here and I figure while I’m waiting for a wingman to pop up, maybe someone out there could benefit from my problems by seeing there are people out there in the exact same situation. With all the people there are in the world there has to be right? I’m no therapist and probably won’t have the best advice. I’m just a broke maintenance man trying to get his shit together before the birth of his 3rd child. If there’s anybody that’ reading this that’s dealing with mental disorders, fucked up childhoods, drug addiction, and or alcoholism and you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown, you’e not alone. If you need someone to vent to, so do I. If you want a wingman I do to. When you feel like you’re alone in a room full of the people you love most, odds are i am too. Shoot me a message and let’ do this. And if youre not comfortable talking just read the blogs I write and maybe I’ll end up saying something you can relate to. Maybe something that will change your mind about giving up. Even though I’m on the verge of losing my mind, I’m not going out without a fight. I know I’ve already said it a couple times but I’m here if anyone needs me. Make no mistake, I’m not recovered. Maybe not even close to it. But I’m trying. The thought of being at this level of desperation sickened me up until a few weeks ago, but here I am. Full loving family and nobody to vent to. Can’t afford therapy, and with me being really the only source of income supporting my soon to be 5 person family we can’t afford for me to go to rehab for any amount of time. My fiance doesn’t know it, but I’ve been working side jobs just to keep the bills paid and we’re still just barely making it paycheck to paycheck. I know it might be a little contradicting to keep saying don’t give up and  a couple sentences later talk about how seemingly impossible it is to not give up but those 3 words are all that’s gotten me to this point. Don’t give up. You were dealt a tough hand because you can take it. What are you supposed to do when you keep telling yourself that, but every day that goes by you believe it a little less? What happens when you finally get to the bottom of the tank? Because my gas light lit up 10 miles back and I don’t want to run out of gas. I can’t run out of gas. 2 of my kids are from my ex wife and she’s worse off than me with no plans to try and fix it. If I’m gone those 2 precious little girls won’t have anybody. Isn’t that a little fucked up? They are the sweetest most kind hearted people I’ve ever met, and their best shot at a normal life is their drug addict dad ranting to what might turn out to be nobody on the Internet in hopes that maybe there’s someone out there willing to swap stories and get through whatever this is? And my perfect pregnant fiance. When we met I was living in my car and had a Walmart bag half full of clothes. Picked me up, dusted me off, and singlehandedly got me out of the funk I was in back then and helped me get my kids. She’s got no idea the impact she’s had on my life. She’s been my rock from day 1 and now that she’s pregnant with her first kid, it’ supposed to be my turn to support her. Only one time did I have the courage to tell her a portion of what was going on in this fucked up head of mine. She’s stronger than me but now that she’ pregnant she doesn’t need the added stress of the possibility of her fiance/baby daddy completely losing it. She deserves the best and what I’m on the brink of is the polar opposite. Call it desperation, call it a cry for help, call it sad, call it hopefull, whatever you call it is probably true. Is there anybody out there, anybody at all that can relate? If theres even anybody still reading at this point, do you feel my pain? Even if nobody chooses to talk to me, I hope you find someone to talk to. I hope you find the outlet I’ve been searching hopelessly for. If just reading what I decide to let out makes you feel just a little bit better, or gets you through just one more day, I’m happy for you. While I can’t seem to fix my life, I do have to fix things for a living and I have to get back to work. If anyone read this absurdly long depressing rant, thanks, and if you read this and you feel the same way, let’s try and power through this day together. Peace.