As I write this I’m “high” off drugs , well we call it “high” but I feel low , as low as dog shit on the ground …a stinking pile of no good , stinking dog shit . I have a tiny bit left so I feel secure but as I’m typing it calls to me like the fucking ring calls to Gollum , my precious , rapped up safely in my pocket . I was desperate to score since I fell a sleep last night . In my head all day I have been planning , scheming,  fighting .Patiently and impatiently waiting for hours , the dealer is useless at the moment but he came good at last after days of waiting . I scored once did it then went a second time , thing is I did’nt want the 2nd score , I knew it , I heard me say to myself you don’t need it , or want it and you will be fine if you just stay indoors , just sit down but fuck knows why the voice got louder and I’d deciced with a heavy heart and much disgust I will risk everything and go get more . WHY ,WHY, WHY , . Why the fuck can’t I stop I’m so loved in my life , I have never had it so good as I do now ..Never . I must be so broken from life years ago that maybe I just can’t cope with great things happening to me ?Off I go again and again choosing darkness over light …. I’m evil , it must be in me to my very core . Dumb too , selfish undeserving of what I cast aside all most daily for shit ..what a joke . Saying all that I know any minute I will have the tiny bit . I wonder if I use as a way to self torture , perhaps the swirling darkness I put myself through all the time is a comforting feeling ?. If I can only live in this darkness then what is the point hey ?. I can’t die like I deserve , nope I have a family that would be tossed to the beasts if I’m no there for them . Not like the other junkies , they have dipped both feet into addiction they gave up everything and now just devote their whole existence 100% to drugs . I dont wanna do that  


1 Comment
  1. spicey 3 years ago

    Hey. You are none of those things.The mere fact that you accept that you are not okay is a step notch higher compared to other junkies.
    You will be fine just on the grounds that you have the will to get better. If you are struggling with the addiction and can’t seem to get past it, it’s okay, totally normal. Don’t be too hard on yourself because it will just push you over the edge.

    It’s okay when we can’t fix problems on our own and its not a weak step to want some help because the goodnews is that there are appropriate channels to help you.

    I would suggest seeking help from a rehabilitation centre. If this does not appeal you, then start by changing your environment. It could do wonders to your thoughts. Go visit a relative who lives far or find a new location to be in.

    It’s going to be hard but one advantage of this is that you won’t have easy access to the drugs.

    You are not alone.WE can do this.

    Keep me updated on OUR progress

    0 kudos

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