As I write this I’m “high” off drugs , well we call it “high” but I feel low , as low as dog shit on the ground …a stinking pile of no good , stinking dog shit . I have a tiny bit left so I feel secure but as I’m typing it calls to me like the fucking ring calls to Gollum , my precious , rapped up safely in my pocket . I was desperate to score since I fell a sleep last night . In my head all day I have been planning , scheming,  fighting .Patiently and impatiently waiting for hours , the dealer is useless at the moment but he came good at last after days of waiting . I scored once did it then went a second time , thing is I did’nt want the 2nd score , I knew it , I heard me say to myself you don’t need it , or want it and you will be fine if you just stay indoors , just sit down but fuck knows why the voice got louder and I’d deciced with a heavy heart and much disgust I will risk everything and go get more . WHY ,WHY, WHY , . Why the fuck can’t I stop I’m so loved in my life , I have never had it so good as I do now ..Never . I must be so broken from life years ago that maybe I just can’t cope with great things happening to me ?Off I go again and again choosing darkness over light …. I’m evil , it must be in me to my very core . Dumb too , selfish undeserving of what I cast aside all most daily for shit ..what a joke . Saying all that I know any minute I will have the tiny bit . I wonder if I use as a way to self torture , perhaps the swirling darkness I put myself through all the time is a comforting feeling ?. If I can only live in this darkness then what is the point hey ?. I can’t die like I deserve , nope I have a family that would be tossed to the beasts if I’m no there for them . Not like the other junkies , they have dipped both feet into addiction they gave up everything and now just devote their whole existence 100% to drugs . I dont wanna do that  

exsitance