We’e halfway through the day now and I can’t stop thinking about my current predicament juggling all of my personal problems. My grandma always says once an addict always an addict. And in a sense that’s true. I’ve never been clean for a couple weeks straight and the did meth “just one time”. You have to stay away from whatever you’e addicted to or you get pulled right back in. I’m an addict. To the point that I make myself sick knowing that I shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing but I do it anyway. Not because it helps with my pain. Not because it fills some void in my life. To be honest I don’t know why I do but if I had to guess it probably has something to do with me getting hooked on meth well before my brain was done developing. I was 14 the first time I used meth and haven’t been able to stop for more than a month straight since. Subconscously stuck in the 14 year old bad boy phase I was in. I started before my brain or my body finished growing. Before I figured out who I was. I guess that’s why I think a lot but don’t think about what I’m doing. I just do and I do, never thinking about what’s going to happen next or who’s going to get hurt in the process. This is a recent self discovery and might be part of the hopelessness I portrayed in my first blog. Sure I’m thinking ahead now and I’m trying to take other people’s feelings into account, but that’s only part of the equation right? Now I’m having to consider things like how much I should share with my girl and how much I should keep to myself as to not put added stress on an already complicated pregnancy. Which then begs the question, if I wait until the baby is born to tell her the things that I’m dealing with or the things that I’ve done a little too recently, would she consider the temporary omission of the truth a blatant lie? A complete betrayal of the trust we’ve been working on since day 1? The hurt I saw in her eyes when she found out I had been getting drunk on the way home from work everyday still hurts me. I had promised both of us that I wouldn’t do anything like that again. 4 months ago I came clean and told her I popped a couple pills at work. She was disappointed but appreciated that I came clean and I think it made us a little stronger. But I did meth again a couple of months ago and it immediately turned into a full blown relapse, just like I knew it would before I agreed to do it. Remember, I do it even though I know I shouldn’t be doing it? But this time it’s worse because while I hate staying sober, meth is the only drug Im willing to chase. I slipped one time and in 2 full months today is the first day I haven’t used. The week leading up to the discovery of the new baby I had been debating almost nonstop whether or not I should tell her, how I should have told her and when. Just the fact that I even thought about it tells me I have to come clean. So far I haven’t exactly lied. I’e managed to eat and sleep every night and I haven’t lost a pound. There haven’t been any symptoms that made her ask me. But I care about her in a way that I didn’t think I could care about someone and even though I haven’t outright lied, I’ve been taking advantage of her trust by keeping this from her and it feels terrible. I have suicidal thoughts from time to time, and I have a hard time being around people. Things happened when I was a kid that I still haven’t told anyone about. I could push that down and for the most part ignore it. But this is different. Im ok with having the other problems because I’ve had a lot of practice learning how to deal with them. What I’m not ok with is the impending doom of her leaving me. And she would be completely right to if you ask me. She’s put everything she has into helping me and my kids. And this is just a huge slap in the face. Every time I relapse it gets harder and harder to stop. Because everytime I tell myself, that was the last time. That’s what I’m telling myself today, but after all these last times I’m losing faith in myself. I want to get better and I’m not giving up, but who knows how many more times I’m going to put myself in this position. And how can I look her in the eyes, begging for another chance, telling her that this was the last time, and expect her to believe it when I’m not sure if I believe it myself? So that’s where I am halfway through my day. Still have a lot of thinking to do, still need a friend. I feel hopeless, scared, and confused. But not as much as this morning. I have a lot of questions I have to ask myself, and it’ gonna be tough to answer them honestly. And that’ the easy part. Following through with what I know has to happen is a whole other story. But if I take it one step at a time and not live in too much fear of what will happen next, I think maybe I can get past this. If you’ve stayed to read this long, you must relate to something in here and I hope it works out for you too.

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