I am so behind at work and seeing as I'm taking off 4 days for my “vacation,” I really should be trying to catch up. For those who didn't catch the previous blog about this, the vacation I'm talking about is I'm going to jail on Friday. I'll only be there for the weekend. It's really no big deal.
It's strange, though. In light of all my adversity, I'm still happier than I've been in a long time.
I was crushed for so much of last year. I was missing my other half and I didn't know how to exist without him. I didn't have the will to do anything for myself. Somehow I didn't feel good enough and the way I was dumped just further justified my own self-loathing. But ironically, it was that pain that drove me back into recovery and I have been clean again for the last 8 months.
I don't know … this year has had it's challenges. I have had stupid unplanned expenses left and right … losing the cell phone, car repairs, wage garnishment for back taxes. This is after I worked so hard to make a budget and stick to it. I was going to make it IF I stuck to it, but just barely. No emergencies were (or could be) budgeted for.
At the same time, I have made so many positive changes in my life. I guess the single most important thing I have done is to try to shift my focus from myself to others. Being self-centered, while knee-deep in shit, is understandable … but not profitable. I try to practice kindness every day without being caught. It's tough, truthfully, because I want recognition. But the self-esteem only comes when it is SELF-esteem and not the esteem of others because they tell me I'm such a great person.
If I'm dependent on someone else, I'm screwed. Comparing my insides with your outsides is always going to leave me feeling short even if my perception is not reality. I'm powerless over you.
If I am dependent on my past for my happiness, I'm screwed. First of all, IT'S OVER. And a lot of it left me damaged. I'm powerless to change what has already happened.
If I am dependent on my future for my happiness, I'm screwed. I mean, I can make plans and try to follow them, but it doesn't always account for real life. What I think I want might not even be what's right for me and my stubbornness to face that might keep me from seeing what IS right for me. I may never get everything I dream of. I certainly won't suffer from everything I worry about might happen … but the worry itself makes me suffer. I'm powerless over what hasn't even happened yet.
So all I can do is focus on today, which has both sufficient challenges and beauty to fill my day. I cannot always make things be the way I want them to be but if I don't put conditions on my happiness (i.e. “I'll be happy when my bills are paid,” “I'll be happy when someone loves me,” etc.) … apparently I can be happy. Apparently I have control over this. Who knew?
It's strange because I want to share my happiness — which is very low-key, not all fireworks and stuff — but I feel like I lack the words to share this. I dunno, what happens on the inside is really much better than what goes on with the outside, so I feel I'm cheating you if I only report on the events of the day. Heck, I'm cheating myself if the events are my focus.
Love to you,