Well i am just sitting here after a meeting. my second in 2 hours…. and i am still in my head.. I have been up here for about a week.(actually longer, a lot longer)..and not real sure why??? so i have been playing these games on here like mad hoping that (getting out of my head ) will happen.. and it does for a short while then i try to settle in and go to sleep… well that is not working to well lately either.. I have been sober for a while and i know that the solution is in the book, and in the steps, and in working with others. been doing all three a lot lately and that helps a bit.. but then i am back by myself and right back to my head… I will tell you that one of the best thing that has come out of all this stuff is that i have been thrown right back into the steps…. been doing a slew of writing…. and praying… so getting in touch with who Joy really is… wow what an awesome trip it has been… i am a lot more at peace inside… and out (most of the time) i am finding out what is acceptable and unacceptable for me… and standing up for it… But this head thing is about to get the better of me…. I want…. i don't want….. i need …. i don't need….. i am better off ….. i am not….. i need to let it go….. i need to try….. i think that i need to take it out of my head and drop it down to my heart…. but that wall i have built up around my heart needs to stay…. i am to scared to let it down…. i can not let anyone in…. that right one was there and i pushed them out…. and locked the door. I am told that GOD will take care of it and i compleatly belive that… I think that my problem is that i do not ever think i have felt so much pain that has lingered for so long… and being that i have never felt such pain i have never had to deal with it before… my ray of hope is that the light at the end of this tunnel is not an on coming train… that will hurt me… it will just make me stronger…. and hopefully not to closed to the love and support i know is out there… I am also finding that with this pain comes NOT letting anyone IN… my sponsor is there. i have 3 other people that i can share everything with but there is a trust and track record with them that is unbreakable… and has been proven time and time again…. so why am i able to let them stay and push everyone else out? well i think that i have babbled enough…. but this is what helps put stuff into prespective…. perspective is i am still in love  reality is …………….. 

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