I’m feeling odd again. I think it’s considered sadness…How can I not be sure it’s sadness right? It just feels different. That funny feeling in my chest is there, and I just feel extra mopey. I feel like crying, but it can’t come out. Food makes me feel sick again. I’m also extra sensitive…And I ask myself why I always speak out how I feel to my family, when I told myself that I would not let them know how much they hurt me, cuz I don’t like them making all these wrong assumptions about me. Yesterday, my dad called me crazy when I laughed at something on TV. It’s bothering me so much, and I can’t see why it should. It’s making me feel like moving out again. Last summer, I REALLY, REALLY wanted to leave. I never felt like that EVER in my life, even during my teen years (or at least not about moving away). I always asked myself, “Are parents really that bad?” when my friends say how they really want to move out when they’re older. I don’t know why I’m pushed over the edge here now. Why am I so sensitive still, after all these years living with them? Why am I always the one trying to find peace with them? I remember I used to pray to myself or whoever’s out there that I become a better daughter, etc.
Okay, good, now the tears are here. It usually feels better after this, that is, if the tears eventually stop.
I’m becoming so anti-social that I’m so mad at myself. I want to hop on that bus going home alone. I don’t want my classmates to ride the same bus as me. And I don’t come out of bed until I know that everybody has left the house. I hate how my sibling gets up early in the morning now too. I loved waking up to a quiet house, and having breakfast alone…It’s almost like having nobody home. I loved being on the computer in the mornings by myself. Now I just wait in bed until I hear my sibling leave the kitchen, which is not until quite some time….
I wonder why this thing doesn’t give us the option to have paragraphs, even though I’m typing in paragraphs. It’s so hard to read when the words are all squished together. And I hate that the sun isn’t out, so that I can possibly make myself go study in the park…You know what else I dislike? — Haha, my usual tendency: convert sadness into anger.
I also get so mad with the fact that, my problems are so easy to cure…I mean, when I think about it, or write it out (cuz I can’t say it out loud), it sounds like something I could easily just fix. But yet, I’m still like this. e.g. Lots to do? Stop wasting time and work on it now. Getting stuff done will ease my mind. Do I? No. e.g. Family doesn’t care about you as much as your older sibling? Care about yourself, and stop insulting yourself. e.g. Nothing healthy to eat until sibling comes home? Make it for yourself. Do I? No. I waste time moping or [mentally] TRYING to get started on work. e.g. Nobody cares about me? Well, work harder in school, get out and move on with your life. Maybe that’s what I lost in high school, even though I felt like this, but was still able to work on my schoolwork. I probably was able to immerse myself in schoolwork and not think about the people in it, or the lack of. I wish I could get that “mojo” back, haha… :smile:…:sad:
On Sunday, while sitting in the park on the swings, there was a little girl wearing a pink raincoat..Suddenly this image of looking down at my sleeve, and I was wearing my own baby blue raicoat that was “dotted” with pink and red hearts came to mind. I remembered having a raincoat. It brought such pleasant feelings for some reason. I remember thinking to myself that I didn’t like the raincoat, but recalling how it looked like and how it must’ve looked on a kid, I think it must’ve looked very cute. 🙂 I wish I could return to that kind of simplicity, before my mind became all flooded and contaminated with negativity. Before I began learning what the world really is about.