Jeez, Where should I start? I suppose the begining would be nice, but I can\'t remember a time when I did not feel nervous. This creeping butler (Panic Disorder) is always right around the corner. Life is tough! About 4 years ago I lost EVERYTHING. My apartment, my cats, my girlfriend and my car. So I had to move back home with Mom and Dad. I am thankful they are willing to let me live here. I was ready to just drop out and go live on the streets. Maybe then, my outside would fit the way i felt inside? But that didn\'t happen and I\'m getting ahead of myself.

My very first feeling in this life is being alone. Its become a self-fulfilling prophecy as I now do not socialize with anyone. I\'m too scared they will see me for who I am and leave me. That\'s why I\'m typing this here and not talking to someone about it. Their is a difference in being alone and feeling lonely and I\'ve lived both ways. I do not do my part to maintain a relationship. I don\'t know how.

The thing is I had this girlfriend about 10 years ago that I\'ll always be in love with. She left in a hurry and I have not been that connected to ANYONE in that way before or since. It felt like we shared the same soul, and I still feel connected to her. She saw how difficult it is to be with someone who plans so many routes to a destination we may never leave this place. That rejection devestated me so bad I spent 3 days in the suicide ward. I swore I\'d never go back to that place when I left and so far I have remained true to that. I waited one year and then left for California. Talk about being connected to a place, when I got to Seal Beach I knew that is where I wanted to die. Strange feeling indeed. I only lasted 8 months out there before I had to come back, defeated and depressed.

I had my first full fledged panic attack when I was 17. I\'ll be 36 this year. I was on xanex for 12 years or so. I never misused or abused it. I just took what I needed when I needed it. The doctors did not believe me so the switched to klonopine. Its just an asperine for a headache caused by life hitting me over the head. Tempory relief is still relief I suppose.

Thanks for reading-Mike