I'm finding that with every passing hour i am hating the world more and more, sick of all the stupidity, sick of the double standards, sick of soo much shit.
Ever since i've been diagnosed with mental health problems, one symptom which is aggression, i find that apparently i can never be angry at fucking anything without being told i'm only angry because of my issues, not because i have a legitimate reason to be angry. Fuck that shit, i think if you never get angry at anything that would be a mental illness all of its own. Some things deserve anger, if people never got angry about things so many fucked up things in the world would never change.
I get angry about being on meds that make me extra photosensitive & gain weight, it makes no sense to me that when you are given a drug by doctors that have fucked side effects its cool, but if you try talk about using mj to alleviate your symptoms and problems you are classed as a 'druggo' and looked down on, at least here you are. It's so fucking stupid, same with alcohol, those of you who know me, know i like to drink my beer. What you may not know is the only reason i like to drink is because it is the only legal stress reliever i have regular access to. I have done so many shameful things on alcohol but i can't stop drinking because i can never stop thinking.
What i'd really like to do is live by myself, off the land, sink my own well, grow my own food, raise my own animals, grow my mj & fuck the rest of the planet but that is really a pipedream because to do these things requires money, for the land & materials and to get money i have to live in 'this' world and living in 'this' world is slowly but surely killing me. I am starting to lose all hope for a positive future, and it just doesn't seem as if i'm meant to be happy on this planet. I'm starting to get used to the idea of being miserable & different, i know i shouldn't & that pisses me off too but i have no idea what to do.
Meh, i've tried to type out my feelings here but it's not helping, it's just making me think of all the reasons the world is a fucked up place.
I'm going back to bed, at least in my sleep i don't know how fucked everything is.