An interesting new development in the ongoing saga that is my (lack of) love life: ex-boyfriend C. emailed me today (yes, we have still been emailing, despite my best intentions) and told me he would like to be my good friend and still "have passionate sex all over the place with me." He said he had thought of that "option" before but hadn't mentioned it to me because he didn't want to hurt me more in the end. And he said he is sad to have to be done with his trip and have to go alone to his sailboat while everyone else goes to their loved ones.
So, with C. we know we're dealing with a guy who is 32 and never able to commit to anyone long enough to get married: he was engaged once but broke the engagement and moved out, wanting to be free. And has left long-term relationships twice more since then when the girl started wanting to move in together or have babies. Yet he was with each of these girl for between one and three years and he is not a cheater. He is not a player, in the traditional sense. He has a conscience and actually worries too much about a lot of things. He was abandoned by his dad and then later his step-dad, which may have made him wary of being in the position of destroying a family. He is not the type who wants sex with just anyone, or who has had an excessive amount of sex partners.
And here's what we know about what he thinks about me: we dated seriously for three months. I was the first person in two years who had lasted more than a couple of dates with him. I met his mother, his boss and his coworkers, went to his lab, spent nights at his house and he spent lots of nights here, we went on three different trips together. We laugh together, we have fun whatever we do and we have the best sex of my life. We talked about how he was afraid that if we stayed together, we would never have a good reason to break up, because we get along so well. And then he started freaking out about different things: being a stepdad to my kids, my ex-husband. And he told me he really really likes me and thinks he could fall in love with me but is afraid to because he thinks he'll end up leaving me in the end since he's always done that to everyone else. So then he went away on his long research trip, and broke up with me but has kept on telling me over and over again that he wants us to be good friends (he has called us best friends before, and I agree that we are).
And here's what I think about him: I told him he's my angel who helped me break free of my ex-husband, and taught me that I could love someone new. And to be honest, although I feel like a fool for admitting it, I am madly in love with him. Just to be touched by him makes my day. He is everything I've always wanted….with the exception of that tragic flaw of being afraid to commit.
He has been extremely stubborn about drawing the line at friendship and not wanting to get my hopes up. So this email today is a big surprise to me, but it's what I've been hoping for….it's an opening, at least….a chink in his armor. I know he could quite possibly end up hurting me again, but at the same time I think maybe there's a chance that if we call each other "friends" he will have time to fall in love with me without the pressure, and then things will turn out the way I want. I just feel that this guy is extremely special.
So what do you guys think?