Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be truly happy.  I don't remember…it's really pathetic when one can't even remember what it feels like to be happy…when I almost feel happy I know the boomerang will return and there will be a down to cancel out the up.  You know, like "I don't deserve to be happy therefore, something bad will happen to negate this good feeling."

There are moments, when I'm listening to a favorite artist perform…music…what a saving grace…the rest of my so-called "life"…definitely overwhelming and frustrating.  So many things I want to do before I die and so little time.  And so little money.  And of course I'm married so it's not like I can take off to …say…INDIA by myself..I actually was invited by a coworker to go there with her family in late November/early December but I can't even afford the plane ticket…I have to respect my husband because he's a good man and I do know one thing for sure, he really cares about me.  Seriously, he is a saint sometimes to put up with me.  Nevertheless, sometimes I think being by myself would be better, then I wouldn't be a burden on anyone.  I feel guilty for not doing things I should be doing and not being a happy and enjoy doing stuff.

I wish I could do what I want to do with my life instead of going to a job that I'm unhappy with, every day because we absolutely need the money.  Un-negotionable.  No way to get a new job without starting at the bottom of my pay scale.  Plus I'm in bankruptcy until March 2009 and paying back a loan from my 401k to pay back a loan for a surgery I had 3 months ago.

There are so many things I want to do and live the life that's the real me but it's impossible now.  Lost hope.  Running out of time.  Tired of always being broke.  Tired of working.  Tired of friends (i hope they are friends, anyway) I want to see being so far away.  Tired of broken promises.  Tired of being broke. Tired of no family here.  Tired of being alone so much.  Tired of living in this stupid condo with no fenced yard for my dogs (AND us).  Tired of people not returning my emails.  Tired of more than half my paycheck going to the bankruptcy trustee every week.

I am just so so tired of trying and being happy and optimistic one day, and spiraling down the next.  And people who don't "get it" are worse than having no friends at all.  And my boss at work is so … like closed minded and a great "ASSumer".  Not to mention very moody and not easy at al to talk to.  I hate it when people assume things about you and pidgeonhole you.  You know, people do change over the years…I think I'm gonna get one of those FLMA forms filled out from my doctors.  That protects someone with a disability (such as depression) as far as needing time off and whatnot.  Not paid, if you have no days off left, but not putting one in danger of losing their job, or affecting your salary. Sometimes when you are low, you need a day off to recharge.

So yeah, i should count my blessings to have a good job, my health ?, a roof over my head, I should think of people who have it worse than me.  I should feel blessed to be friends of some of the people I know…you know who you are..But still that little voice in my head makes me lose all motivation and energy.  And telling me that I'm a pain in the ass.  For every "up", I know there's gonna be a crashing "down".  Why can't I just be happy like other people? 

To any of my friends who read this, now would be a good time to send a message/comment/phone call my way.  God. I sound pathetic, don't I?  I try to take to heart the words that HH the Dalai Lama said on Sunday, and also be thankful that we got a chance to see him again.  I'm happy I will be able to see my favorite Bollywood Stars perform in a variety type show next month, right here at the Sears Centre in Hoffman Estates/South Barrington.  But right now, I am so emotionally exhausted.  Just want to give up. Really…what is the point?  People just don't care anyway.

Ahhhh….so self indulgent…but man, when am I going to be able to not be in a state of constant anxiety and hopelessness?  I guess (tongue in cheek) I'M NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH, FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, SO ON AND SO FORTH…"JUST CHEER UP".  Yep, wish it was that easy.Frown


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