This name has resonated with my female side for over a decade. Even though I’ve told my spouse and friend about 2 years ago, only in the past few months have I really started sorting through feelings with my very supportive friend… despite how weird and awkward they are at times. I told this friend about my name, who is currently the only one that knows me by it, and she asked “Did you want me to call you by that sometimes?” I told her “Next week, at one point, message me using the name so I can get an unexpected reaction”. The day she did “I’m glad that I’m in my work room with nobody here because I legitimately blushed”, but it still resonated and wasn’t unwelcomed. Right now she is fragile and afraid of being judged, especially those that are closest to me.
My wife is a very supportive person for many things and although she knows this side of me now, she is not very keen on the idea. Relationships can complicate things, so even though this is something that there is nothing wrong or hurtful, her feelings have to be considered as well but have left me with the lingering guilt and shame of it. So Emilie currently doesn’t have a safe space to herself and I don’t know exactly what she means to me. It is possible that she could come around to the whole idea of it, I’m not asking her to be attracted to it, but there is also a chance that it will end the relationship.
In the meantime, I feel I need to give Emilie a safe space to exist. It might not be physical yet, but a place to express and come to some sort of term to shed the guilt and shame I’ve been living with for a long time.
If anyone is reading this blog and going through similar situations, I would recommend addressing your feelings before things get complicated. There are plenty of LGBT people who live the heteronormative lifestyle, like having kids or long term relationships until they can no longer take it. You hear from time to time that a spouse finds out the other is gay, trans, or non-conforming and it seems to blind side them. In my online search for ways to tell your partner, I can tell you that a vast majority of relationships end completely and the stories will leave you feeling worse than when you went into it.
I wish you all well, and enjoy your day
Emilie
Emilie,
Thank you for sharing with all of us. I was married for a long time and kept my feelings under wraps. I had and still have a very strong desire to live as a female but all i can do about it is dress in very feminine clothing. While married i kept all of that secret and was only able to dress up when i knew my wife wouldnt be home. What a terrible lie i was living. She must bave found some of my clothing because every once in a while she would make a snarky comment about it. We never had a healthy conversation about it and it harmed an outherwise good relationship irrevocably. I knew she would never accept me this way and so it was kept hidden by both of us.
No i live alone and have closets and drawers filled with womens clothing. I wear them all the time in the house but still feel the pain of not being able to fully transition.
Thank you for reading 🙂
Things are certainly on rocky grounds with my marriage currently. She is as supportive as she can be, but we are at a “Do what you feel you need, and we’ll figure us out later.” If I continue, I very much doubt she would be OK with it. I kept this so far in the closet, it shocked my wife when I told her.
For clothes, right now I have a pair of nice soft and flowy PJs and bralettes I’ve purchased. I absolutely love what I have so far.