friend,

it’s time to walk away again.

i’ve done this all before – the writing, the chats…and while not to say that it doesn’t have its purpose, or to demean anything that’s been said between me and a few of the other users here – because it did help, and it was what i needed… for a short while.
there are good people around…i’ve had to dig for them, but they do exist.

but, like i said, i’ve done this all before, for years.

i use this website like a band-aid. it’s good for a time – covers the wound, prevents “infection” – but i have to take it off eventually.
the problem i face with this site – i’ve mentioned it somewhere – is that it keeps me stuck. stuck in the same patterns of thinking, the same routine of checking for messages, writing more and more, waiting for extra validation for my own self-pity. that’s not how everyone uses it, but that’s how i’ve used it.
the thing is…this isn’t real. it’s a form of connection in my desperate times, sure…but it’s not a satisfying substitute for the actual thing.

it’s not a life for me.

i get pulled into this, relying on it for my “connections” when the world outside seems too fucked up – or i’m too fucked up – to manage any of it with sound and reasonable decisions. my worth slowly shifts to this…the people i can talk to, the sharing of ideas, shitty poetry…all behind a screen, all behind nothing but words, nothing to touch or feel. just blue light off a laptop screen and sterile writing on a stark white background.
my experience with this…is that years can go by, living through a computer screen. fucking years….and those are years i can’t get back. years i could have spent going out and failing on my own terms, like i had been before i came back.

i can’t make this my means of connection, or venting, not like i had before. connections that can never really be anything other that chat boxes, blogs, and pictures….that’s not enough for me anymore.

friend, you know and i know…we’ve walked side by side forever, and we’ll continue to do so. you know and i know…the road doesn’t end here. it’s time to walk away again.