So, basically I am new to this website and I am writing this because I feel like I'm about to explode.

I am almost 21, and up until 3 months ago I lived with my Mom and my Stepdad. My Stepdad moved out in August becuase one morning he beat the living piss out of my Mom while I was asleep upstairs. I spent about the first month and a half dealing with my Mom and taking her to doctor's appointments and whatnot while my Stepdad sat back and tried to 'get better'. Now, fast forward to today. It's been 3 months and he is slowly inching his way back into our lives. I'm not ready for that. I tell my Mom I'm still angry and that I have a hard time trusting him (I have trust issues stemming from my relationship with my own father), but she ignores me and tells me I'm a spoiled bitch and that I've ruined Thanksgiving and that I should take back all of the nice things I have because they would not be here without him. Now, I realize that I am fortunate to have nice things. I thank my Stepdad and Mom both when we get them. But that is not enough for her. My Stepdad is here a lot lately and it upsets me because I feel like I have to act like everything is just fine when I'm still reeling from what happened. No one has taken a minute to stop and ask me how I feel beceuase that's never mattered. My Mom is more concerned with how my Stepsister feels than her own daughter. My Stepsister, mind you, is 30 and has her own life. My Mom and Stepdad ARE MY LIFE. I live here. I would move out, but where I live it is extremely expensive to do so. My Mom agreed to let me live here until I graduate from college in a year and a half. It seems to me that everytime I'm in a bad mood my Mom goes crazy on me and tells me I need to be happy or else. I'm not allowed to be unhappy because it 'makes her look bad'. So essentially, I'm not allowed to have feelings.

I have developed horrible anxiety because I'm deathly afraid of my Mom. She is the most irrational person I know. Growing up I was scared to tell her anything in fear that she would take away all of my stuff (most of which I bought myself) or that she would not speak to me for days at a time. I had a period of time when I was a teenager when she would bring me down all the time and make me feel like shit and at one point my brother spoke up and said she needed to stop. She did for about a day.

This whole situation with my Mom and Stepdad has caused me so much grief. I've grown to resent my Mom because I'm finding out how flawed she is. Not that I can't accept her flaws since I am clearly nowhere near perfect, but its the decisions she has made and continues to make that have me feeling insignificant. Every decision she's made regarding my Stepdad has everything to do with her not wanting to be alone and nothing to do with how me and my brothers feel. I'm on the verge of leaving my hometown and finding somewhere else to live. I can't take it anymore.

Everything I do I worry if my Mom will find out and disapprove. I'm doing terrible in school this semester. I got a cell phone ticket yesterday. My weight is fluctuating based on how I feel that week (my Mom has a HORRIBLE eating disorder) and she can't handle me not looking the way she wants. My acne is flaring up because I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and I can't get it treated because my Mom said I can't take birth control anymore because 'it gives me incentive to have more sex'. Basically I do nothing right in her eyes. It pains me to be so miserable and pretend everything is fine. It is just impossible for me to get through to her and tell her how I feel because to her, I am wrong. I am always wrong. I'm borderline suicidal. I've come to a point where life is not enjoyable anymore. I'm so high strung I have panic attacks over everything and I blame my Mom ENTIRELY for it. She is the reason I can't function because she is so self centered that I spend all of my time worrying about making her mad.