Ok – therapy was today. So – the big question today – why does my own opinion not matter? If I am good at throwing a ball but then Joe Jones comes along and tells me that I am not good at it – I stop throwing the ball and just assume that i can't do it anymore.
At what point in my life did every step that I take become about the struggle to make my parents proud of me? And why can't I let it go? Why can't I step away from them – I can see the thorns around my family – I know that going to close will poke me. I know that I need to take care of me before I can heal – so why don't I?
I say things like – I am going to step back. Then i get back in and I get my nose smacked. How can a person heal like that?
So – what is important to me? And when can my opinion of those things be enough? When can I accept that I am enough? How does one proceed on this path?
When I look at my past – I see the mistakes I have made – larger than life – glaring at me. But when I look at the good things that I have done – what do I see? And why are they so much less important. When I die – will the good outweigh the bad? And how do I get to thinking that my own opinion on that matters?
Maybe what's important is trying really hard to let go of what is past and focus more on what is now? Making choices that I am comfortable with because I think they are right. It does not matter what my mom and dad say or think – it matters what I think. What I believe in my heart is right. Now internalizing that is the struggle.
Maybe I start by thinking in small terms – my day to day life – am I proud of what I do today? Am I proud of myself? I'm 32 years old – does it matter if my parents are ok with my life as long as I am ok with it?
New perspective from therapist – I need to stop worrying about why I can't talk to my family about the crap and just accept that right now – it's not on the table. I need to take control of my feelilngs and own my crap. And maybe someday they will come through for me – maybe they won't. But by then hopefully it won't make so much ofa difference.