Hi to everyone who is reading,
I hope I can make good friends onhere, share stuff we might have in common (or not) and learn new things. Writting helps me get some stuff out of my chest and mind. It helps because sometimes it feels I am going to explode with all this things I have in my head, it seems like I can't just think about one thing at a time. I am not good with expressing myself with talking words either so most of the time I just write stuff.
My depression and anxiety is killing me. I have been dealing with it since I was a little girl but I guess it started to become a real and obvious problem for me when I was like 12/13 year old, now I'm 23. I'm used to it but it is so frustrating not being able and not know how to connect with people, it almost feel like your in another planet because you can't find a place to call home.
It feels like being in prison in your own mind and body. You can walk around, go out IF you want to, do 'whatever' you want but still feel caged in your own prison and not being able to connect with the people around you. They say we live in a free world but when I look around I really don't think so.
It feels like going crazy, losing your mind because of every little thing. I do my best to go out, but when I do I hate it. Sometimes I might find a little corner where I might feel safe and a bit comfortable but you can't keep sitting there forever. Not even in my own mind I am save.
I do try to stay positive and be thankfull for the things I do have but its hard when you can't find the meaning of your life or life itself. I can't seem to understand some things, why some things are the way the are and basic things like where do we come from etc..
I am caught in between good and bad, life and death…I really don't know. Maybe I am crazy for thinking the things I do sometimes, or do the things I do sometimes and even to look at some things I look sometimes but I am just looking for answers.
I wish and try to be a better person but it feels I am stuck in my fears. I guess they saying there is nothing to fear but fear itself is true. Caught in the darkness while you can see where the light might be comming from and sometimes even the path you have to take but not being able to move. Reaching for people even standinging in front of them but still be invisible. Talking and screaming but it's just in your head, nobody heared you say anything. Imagining things that aren't that way, making worlds in your head that don't excist.
It's like you never excisted in this world.