Feeling all kinds of strange things at the minute.
I'm realising that the moment I get stressed about something, even in a small way, my anxiety will creep up on me as some form of useless defense mechanism.
I have also noticed when I go about 3 to 4 days without even a small amount of 5 htp – I get very anxious and I know now that I need it when I start to feel panic about the smallest thing – ghosts and the security of my house for example are things that really started to effect me, as my mind races forward with all the imagined and terrible senarios.
I had to take some earlier because I couldn't stand next to my back door as it has a glass window into darkness – the unknown terror swept over me and I realised how long it'd been since I felt that way and I knew my brain needed a little help.
Starting the final year of university has stunned me. In one way I'm amazed how strong I've been, starting a new job and running a new house but now the studying has begun and I feel like its been decades since I last did any form of academic work, this last summer has felt so long and full of events that now I'm thrown back here I just … I'm between falling apart entirely and clutching at the fine hairs to pull myself back up there to where I used to be, to that person who knew what she was talking about and could pull good grades out of the bag. In all honesty the times I've felt like pulling the plug are one too many considering i've been back for 4 weeks & there is still 8 months to go.
I know that getting stressed is the trigger, it may seem obvious to others, but I never imagined it before, it always seemed emotional and personal things that used to trigger my anxiety – I guess have a generalised anxiety disorder is just that – its general and uncertain, horray. -_-
Well, I truly do find this blogging amazing, by the time I reach my end point I feel like I've been able to realise alot more about myself.