soo….three months widowed..I am ok….No im not at least thats how i feel. i dont go out much i prefer to be alone. i only go ou when i need to..im wondering is this a low, a manic phase or peace ? i feel not dis connected but not there i pay my bills i shop i even laugh and have dinner with family but…im doin xmas i havent even set up the livingroom smh… i have a few days to go idid the shopping lol…i have become obsessed with my apperance i dont wanna look sad nor do i wanna look like ive been in the house for days when i go out. things i enjoyed or seemed to numb the pain are no interest..down to ppl i used to use. i just dont know if all this is good or bad? i havent self harmed…i have had no desire and thats my usual im have ran out of all my usual comfort tactics but im ok kinda😑😑 i just dont know what ok is and thats scary i dont know who the fuck i am? what to do..its a live re enactment of the song land slide… kids are grown and he is gone….. after i built my life around them…and im left with a me.

Me i dont know havent seen since i was 15 shit and that is a blur i ran madly after my moms passing at 13. So who am.i what am.I what the fuck can i do i looked in to some jobs  and classes …socially im frickin akward i had noone to impress my family are my friends i quit a job to take care of a man who was selfish in the end im over it i think because if anything i remember i gotta survive….i gotta carry the fuck on but better for me this time around…..dont me wrong i loved him and he loved me my kids are wonderful this turmoil is all.in myself I am as allover the place in my mind..as this ramble… forgive tha grammer